If one’s sufferings will be one’s salvation, like they say, then should one be proud of them? Should one make a detailed accounting of my past and present torments which, neatly compiled into a book, one can present to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when one’s time comes?
I've always struggled to be a good person but, all the same, I've always struggled with the whys of it all, my having to suffer at the fickle fancies of fate and fortune. I could've understood it if I were deliberately devilish. A misfortune that crowns a life of calculated evil makes perfect sense: you're simply being punished for being bad. But the big trouble is I'm decidedly not: every now and then I grope for a halo over my head not a forked tail near my hind legs.
They say never ask God why or ever question His wisdom, so I take everything in faith, believing in God’s mysterious ways. But there are times when I couldn't help it. Maybe what I'm really lacking is faith, but why this endless suffering?
This is not an expression of complaint, regret, anger or protest. On the contrary, I have had a fair share of consolations in life and I am grateful for them. My only qualm is that no matter the blessings, I couldn't prevent suffering, I couldn't always live my life the way I want it to be: a life with a minimum of pain and sadness and more of comfort and joy.
I believe that for those who have faith, everything will turn to good. But here's the catch: in His time. The trouble with suffering, it seems, is that it can get our focus so cloudy while we’re in the middle of it that it's hard or almost impossible to be consoled. When we are up against the wall, frying in our own fat, agonizing through our tribulation inside a crucible of molten lead, a cauldron of boiling tar, all the eyes can see are the fires of hell.
And just when I'm hoping that I'd end up scratching some amount of sense from the iceberg of absurdity that is suffering I only discover more suffering up ahead. Maybe at least this thought would somehow serve as consolation to fellow sufferers, which means practically each of us. We’ve all gone through the same monotonous job, being constantly financially hard up, feeling unloved, being trapped with the wrong people, etc. If there's one thing that would connect all of humanity, it must be suffering.
But as I have said, if behind my sufferings lie hidden merits, then I should be glad to enter heaven full of scars.
Still, I humbly implore, beg, beseech, plead, petition, entreat, supplicate God, asking Him to commiserate with me, to spare me future sufferings lest they won't let up until I get my flesh flayed, lest my whole life story turn or be limited into the Fifth Sorrowful Mystery.
Suffering is suffering and I am not going, nor will ever be inclined, to make it sound romantic.
11.12.1999
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