Monbourquette's Test for Unforgiveness

Monbourquette's Test for Unforgiveness

We all know that forgiveness is one of the hardest things in life. That's no surprise considering, as Algeria-based Italian monk Carlo Carretto (Journey without End, 1989) once put it, "forgiveness is the apex of the journey." Love (or love as we know it) is easier, for it takes no effort to love anything or anyone who's lovable. Besides, 'love' is pleasurable even though it can be hard. But real love, i.e., loving the unlovable? That's synonymous to forgiving one's enemy, in which not only much effort is necessary, it is also too impossible to realize on our own. But forgiveness is necessary, an essential part of life, if only for our own sake. Life is hard enough without the baggage of bitterness and heartache that unforgiveness brings. Forgiveness is thus the key to unconditional love, the kind that God proffers to humanity.

Part of the difficulty with forgiveness is that it is amazingly complicated, as the book by John Monbourquette (How to Forgive, 2000) or any essay or book on the subject will attest. It is riddled with many qualifiers, from "You can't forgive what you don't recognize as an offense" to "Forgiveness doesn't automatically mean reconciliation or that the offender must change." But complexity should be no reason not to try to forgive, for unforgiveness has its own complex team of monstrous consequences.

Like disease, unforgiveness comes with several complications, as Monbourquette says. With this list of complications, I shudder at the mere thought of not having forgiven yet my many offenders, both consciously and, most importantly, from the heart.

I always knew I should forgive, and as early as I can, if possible. I am selfish enough not to know any better.

In case you too want to take your chances or help 'diagnose' yourself, try this exercise: The Test for Unforgiveness. The only requirement is total honesty, being in touch with your true (i.e., hidden) thoughts and feelings (including dreams and daydreams, or most especially so), the great 'outers' of our true emotional, psychological, moral, spiritual state.

Imagine a person you hate so much. Now tick off the points below that you are guilty of feeling or thinking.

1. "He's such a bad person, s/he should be punished, and s/he doesn't deserve my mercy and forgiveness."

2. "Why am I so sensitive and why do I feel so insecure when it comes to his comments? Why am I so hurt by what s/he said or did? S/He must be the one who's so malicious."

3. "I resent her success. I deserve it more than she does."

4. "I hate all the things he's fond of. If he's fond of God, I will automatically hate God too."

5. "I will never ever see him or talk to him again. If he needs help, I will not give it."

6. "Oh, how happy I am to see her run into misfortune. How sweet it is to take revenge."

7. "You know what this evil person did to me? Come, let me share all the gory details with you."

8. "I am surely better than he is."

9. "For all my troubles, I should be blest more than she is."

10. "The point is, I am hurt, and I don't care if I have hurt others too in the process."

11. "I hate him so much! I swear to God!"

12. "Wait, this new person is just like him, and so I automatically hate him too!"

13. "Oh no, I've become just like him -- I see myself in him!"

One important element here is missing, however: the hardest form of forgiveness: forgiving oneself. Without this, one remains stuck even one has forgiven everyone else. Thus, this additional item:

14. "I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself, I can't forgive myself." (This is also known as Judas's sin, the loss of confidence or trust in God's mercy.)

How did you fare? A score of 1 or more will most probably entitle you to a chance to forgive that filthy rotten animal you've always wanted cursed to hell.

Although "time heals all wounds," we easily learn from the foregoing that forgiveness is never passive, but always an heroic act, even when done for one's own sake, in the desire to move on. In this sense, it is forgiveness that makes the world really go round.