PARADOXICAL

I am a bad logbook writer, for I failed to note the exact dates. Also, I wrote the following entries from memory, not right after each fact. I am also certain I have left out a few events, but the ones below are the most significant and memorable.

- Prior to having full-blown panic attacks, I had been suffered on and off, for years, from frightening palpitations, often from too much caffeine, dark chocolate, button mushroom, Chinese food (maybe due to the high MSG content), a certain food supplement that was touted to detoxify the body, and from certain bodily exertions at the wrong time, like when I had just eaten bread, pasta, or anything with flour.

- I was walking around Greenbelt 4 after lunch with Alfie when I experienced the worst palpitation I had ever. I thought I was about to die of heart attack. For lunch, I had Sprite and spaghetti at KFC, then I had brewed coffee and blueberry cheesecake at McCafe. I sweated profusely, trembled a bit, and had some difficulty breathing. I had to ask Alfie to buy me a bottle of cold mineral water. The attack appeared to be a severe case of over-stimulation due to caffeine combined with sugar rush. Minutes later, I felt weak, groggy, and hungry. We had to repair at the nearest place with rice and chicken: Wendy’s. I felt better, but I had difficulty breathing in my walk to an appointment that night.

- I had a full-blown panic attack at Moonwalk Church in Paranaque around 9:30 AM. I remember having a breakfast of leftover monggo beans and rice, plus a dessert of dried peanuts, which I suspect to be rotten. I feared dying suddenly and alone around total strangers. I asked for help from one of the women serving the priest, and she referred me to a volunteer doctor at the back of the church. The doctor took my BP, which was 150/80. She said maybe the maintenance medicine I was taking was inadequate. She never mentioned the possibility of panic attack. When I gathered enough strength to walk, I nervously braved the sun and luckily caught a taxi several meters outside the church. I took a pill of 50 mg metoprolol to calm me down, as the doctor recommended.

- I was supposed to meet my from Junrey at Inasal at Iba Pa restaurant after lunch at the corner of Merville Access Road, when I palpitated at the mere thought of walking under the sun at noon. It was not like the palpitations I usually have. It was tachycardic, or faster than normal. Nervously, I told Junrey to proceed to a nearby eatery instead. I remember having an overly sweet and sugary breakfast and lunch prior to this: syrupy taho, six pieces of longan fruit, and leftover rice and monggo beans. I panicked because of the thought of fainting in the heat and collapsing under the sun due to heat stroke. I took metoprolol.

- I was about to send my friend Marie and my high school classmate Melvin emergency cash of Php1,000 each at the nearby MLhuilier. I am not sure what I ate this time. My palpitations seemed to be due to the thought of losing money or maybe the thought of MLhuillier being attacked by goons with guns. On top of these fears is the fear that I would be making a fool of myself at this place while panicking, or I might not be able to make it as I walked my way home.

- Ironically, it was the celebration of the birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary during my community’s assembly at Kassel Condo near Vito Cruz cor. Taft, with a replica of the miraculous statue of Our Lady of Mediatrix from Lipa City as our special ‘guest.’ I even touched the statue for healing, yet I was still attacked by irrational fear as lunch neared, because the thought of going home under the hot sun raced in my mind. For breakfast, I ate siopao from 7-11, which I learned is made of flour, not rice, three pieces of Calasiao sticky puto/ricecake, and three slices of guapple. Obviously, I feared collapsing while walking under the sun, even after hitching a ride with Kuya Rey and Ate Odette. This is where three people recognized what I was going through as panic attack because they had been through it, or at least someone they know did.

- I got dizzy after being seated the whole day in front of the speaker during a leadership conference in community. I panicked because it was so strange, for I felt okay the rest of the day. The panic symptoms refused to subside even after hitching a ride with Kuya Rey and Ate Odette. I had to call my brother Ronnie for help and, even though embarrassed, had to ask Kuya Rey to kindly drive me all the way to gate 3 of our village. I feared I wouldn’t be able to take the tricycle then walk the two hundred or so steps to my place.

- I chatted with former officemate A. about my situation, and I learned she shared my problem! I panicked at something she said which escapes me now.

- I had a similar chat with another officemate M., who, incredibly enough, also went through the same thing and even got confined to the ICU because of mitral valve prolapsed. Naturally I panicked at the mere thought of catching the same due to the high probability of it happening.

- I emailed a doctor about my problem, and her response scared me to death. After giving an advice on how to relax (“Be seated and drink one glass of cold water”), she told me to see a cardiologist. I know this is ridiculous, but the mere thought sent me to breathless panic.

- I couldn’t watch the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close straight through because I found the hysterics literally breathtaking. I had to take a pause in between palpitations. The memory of the unmentionable horrors of 911 was just too much.

- I survived Joan Didion’s detailed memoir of her husband’s death, but not without palpitating upon paragraphs that vividly describes the heart attack. I had to face my fear in this case, and I think I won to a significant extent.

- In comparison, I couldn’t bear watching the TV series Deadliest Catch episode featuring Josh’s and Jake’s father figuring in a stroke and dying at the hospital. That was so terrible, for it reminded me of my friend Malou dying of aneurysm. To this day, I can’t muster the strength to see that episode. Okay, I lost.

- During the high school reunion back home, I palpitated under the sun after some 30 minutes, then I felt faint. Luckily, help was on hand. I took refuge in an alumni’s air-conditioned car, and a classmate handed me a bottle of water, restoring my sense of (false?) security.

- When I reviewed my friend Weng’s paper after she asked for help, I felt suddenly tired even when I hadn’t done anything yet. I think I had a sudden fear of losing the ability to work and dying from hypertension.

- Was all this a result of nicotine withdrawal? Side effects of maintenance drugs? Effect of vitamin+mineral supplement I was taking? Nutrient deficiency? Stress due to recent events? Past traumas and unresolved issues? I don’t know. What I know is that I can’t stand palpitations and fast/racing pulse/heartbeat! Maybe I just can't accept the truth that I am hypertensive, and these are all symptoms of hypertension that I will have to learn to live with or at least manage.

- At least three Facebook notifications sent me to panic hell, with one incident so bad it stretched to maybe more than an hour. I thought I’d die that I had to take metoprolol again. It’s maybe about the fear of being found out or being rejected for expressing the real me. In one case, it was clearly exacerbated by what I just ate: decaf coffee but with sugar, two pieces of raw plantains, one whole Tagaytay pineapple, rice and lots of okra boiled in leftover monggo beans.

- I was again attacked by panic at MLhuillier as I was sending money to my mother at home, but this one is strange: I panicked even after dieting by reducing my rice consumption and eliminating coffee and sugar. The questions that raced through my mind were: What if I collapse alone and don’t make it home? How much money I have left? After several months, I realized the fear could be springing from this then unconscious thought: What if robbers attacked this place? I surely would die in a cold-blooded exchange of gunshots.

- While hearing Mass at our parish in Kalayaan Village, I had palpitations and, strangely, tremor. I thought of dying suddenly and alone at night, and all my siblings were out of town. Would someone rescue me, just in case?

- I was one of the emcees during our high school reunion back in the old hometown. Minutes before starting, I was palpitating and, according to witnesses, looked pale. In other words, I got so nervous about speaking in front of all those people whom I knew and who knew me well. One alumna who’s a doctor gave me a tablet of metoprolol. This was my first time to take this drug, although I’ve read about it several times in my online research.

- I was reading Dr. William Douglass’ newsletter regarding the danger of hypertensive medicines and chlorine in drinking water. I couldn’t take what he’s taking, because I felt like I was about to have a heart attack from having drank all that chlorinated water for decades.

- Now this is really the worst of all: I panicked big-time while reading The Anxiety Disease: New Hope for the Millions Who Suffer from Anxiety, Dr. David V. Sheehan’s book on anxiety, because I stumbled into a page discussing the mortality rate of anxiety patients with mitral valve prolapsed. I don’t know how I was able to lull myself to sleep without taking anything while my heartbeat refused to go back to normal. The trouble is the next morning, I would wake up to my heart thumping after remembering my last thought: I could die from mitral valve prolapsed right about now. What saved me were the videos from YouTube which offer ways and means of managing panic attacks, including qi gong or belly breathing and avoiding certain diet. This is where I discovered a book that somewhat ended the terrifying kind of attacks. Barry Joseph (or Joe Barry) McDonagh’s Panic Away Program is the one that advises me to face my fears once and for all, by inviting my body to exhibit more panic right in the middle of a really nasty attack.

Although we stumble everyday, the Lord is always there to lift us up, forgive our sin, and show his love and care.

Our sin is great. God's grace is greater.

God never tires of forgiving us. It is we who are tired of asking forgiveness. Pope Francis

Life flows with time, but life ends and time does not. So let us live to the fullest and make a difference while we still have both time and life in our hands. It is not how long or short we exist
 in this world but it's how we made a difference.


Lord, I know not everything I wished and hoped for will come true. Please give me strength to let go and entrust everything to you. I understand you won't allow me to be in pain for the sake of hurting, but for the sake of learning. You know me more than I know myself that even when I feel alone, there is still Someone who knows all my flas yet loves me unconditionally like no human can.

It is better to cry than be angry. Anger hurts others while tears flow silently through the soul and cleanses the heart. JP2

You'll always have more blessings than problmes. Problems seem more because you count them, you measure them, you analyze them everyday. But when you count your blessings, you'll realize that your blessings outnumber your problems.



Life is not about being wealthy, healthy, popular, or perfect. It's about being a real person, humble, strong, and being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others with love as well.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, a soul that never loses faith in God.

Today is not promised. It is a gift from above. So today I will laugh and let my heart sing. For none of us knows what tomorrow may bring. Today I'll be thankful that God is on my side. No need to worry, no need to hide. Today I'll proclaim it: His promises are true. Faith can move mountains. I will live contently as God would intend, enjoying each blessing from beginning to end.

When we remember God's faithfulness and His ability to bring good out of any situation, we find our fears calmed and our confidence renewed.

We are not made happy by what we have, we are made happy by what we appreciate.


Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them and they bless the giver even more.


Prayer Alphabet

Always
Be
Cool.
Don't have
Enemies, but
Friends.
Give up
Hurting
Incidences.
Just
Keep
Loving
Mankind.
Never
Omit
Prayers.
Quietly
Remember God.
Speak the
Truth and
Use
Valid
Words to
eXpress
Your
Zeal.



When you inspire others to live, learn, laugh, and love, you do the same for yourself, for what you get out of life is what you put into it. Make life as beautiful as you heart.

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To look at the sunny side of everything and expect only the best. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, to be strong for hear and to be happy to permit the presence of trouble.



We obtain happiness for every small or big thing we do with great love.

The finest fruit of a good person is his acts of love and kindness done toward others. these thoughtful gesture are tiny seeds that when sowed, miracles happen, smiles appear, dreams blossom, love takes root and grow.

God's timing is always right. He will do what is best in the right time. Though you hear nothing, he is speaking. Though you see nothing, he is acting. With God, there are no accidents. every incident is intended to bring us closer to him.

Praying for your friends is the best thing you could do for them. Pray for your anxious friends, angry friends, confused friends, and depressed friends. Most importantly, pray for your happy friends for you have no idea what kind of worries they are hiding in the deepest secrets of their hearts.


The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best but will pick you up and hold you tighter at your weakest. Be safe in God's hands.

Life is never easy. Whatever comes to destroy you, be firm and be the bravest you can be. Cry, feel upset, but never lose hope. Never give up in times of confusion, and in times when you're running out of choices, be reminded of one thing: sincere prayer changes everything.



True and deep faith allows impossible things to happen. It is the power that comes from a good heart and when a good heart believes, blessing overflows.

A long life may not be enough, but a good life is more than enough.

All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.

Anger is just one letter short of danger.

Even your ten fingers are unequal.

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

Revenge gets you even with your enemy. Forgiving puts you above him.

It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.

Good things come to those who wait, better things to those who try, best things to those who believe, but desired things for those who pray.

God knows best and he will give the best in his own time.


When you pray for others, God listens and he blesses them. When you're happy and feel blessed, remember someone has prayed for you too. Life is about giving and receiving. What goes out comes back.


The reward we get from helping others is in knowing that we have been blessed with the opportunity to do so.

----> Wearing a smile in times of trials is living at peace with God.


Lord, give me your eyes, that I may see my neighbors as you see them. Give me your love, that I may love them with your love. (Word Among Us)

Remember to take some real quality time for yourself: to smile when you're sad, to rest when you're tired, to love when you're empty, to let go of pain when you're hurt, to pray whenever you're able. Quality time for oneself truly heals.

A child of God is always welcomed home. ODB

Our personalities, our intelligence, and our capabilities are gifts from God's bountiful hand. If we divert their use for our own profit, we become guilty of selfishness. Billy Graham

Blessings are like hugs from God to let you know how much he loves you. Counting your blessings is hugging God back. May God embrace you today and all the days of your life.

Loving God is the key to loving others. ODB

Quoting James 1:9 is especially one giant guilt trip for me: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

-----> Happiness can't be found when you seek it for yourself. But when you give it to others, it will find its way back to you. That's the mystery of happiness. It grows when shared.

Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, for all the people you can, while you can.

Lord, grant me a heart of compassion so burdened for others' needs, that I will show your kindness in attitudes, words, and deeds.

-----> He who holds the stars in space holds his people in his hands. ODB

God measures the person with the tasks he puts on them, so when you feel your load is heavier than the others, be happy for God sees you stronger than the rest.

Or Deuteronomy 31:6: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you."

When we put our problems in God's hands, he puts his peace in our hearts. ODB

Love and obey the Lord everyday and he will unfold your future. ODB

----> Abundance is not what we gather but what we scatter; not what we keep but what we give away; not what we hold but what we share.

God's love is unchangeable. He knows exactly what we are and loves us anyway. Billy Graham

The language that God hears best is the silence language of love. St. John of the Cross

Our greatest privilege is to enjoy God's presence. ODB

Our work is to cast care; God's work is to take care. ODB

Life is filled with challenge which, applied creatively, is opportunity. Maxwell Maltz

All people are needed. Find your nichel take your place in the sunshine. Maxwell Maltz

Bring forth the best in everything you touch and everyone you meet, and you in turn will become better and better. Wally Amos

Even if your problem is as huge as the Titanic, God's love is as vast as the ocean.

----> We can sleep in peace when we remember that God is awake. ODB

When we fail to pray, we miss out on the source of peace, hope, and job. Zig Ziglar

To be under Christ's control is to have true freedom. ODB

Our greatest comfort is to know that God is in control. ODB

God is the repository of all happiness; and you can contact him in everyday life. Yet man mostly occupies himself in pursuits that lead to unhappiness. Paramahansa Oganandra

The weak, the helpless, and the discouraged are in the Shepherd's special care. ODB


Kindness and compassion have led more people to Christ than proclamation alone. ODB

Minsan si Lord tahimik. Minsan wala siya, hindi nakikinig. Natawag tayo sa kanya pero hindi siya sumasagot. Humingi tayo ng tulong pero di tayo tinulungan. Tinanong ko ang sarili ko, bakit Lord? Sa mga problema ko wala ka. Ngumiti siya at sinabing Hindi kita iniwan. Nais lang kitang panooring lumalaban gamit ang aking mga salita na nakatanim sa iyong puso at isip bilang iyong sandata. Lagi akong nasa tabi mo, mamalagi ka lang sa akin.

Man is great only when he is kneeling. Pope Pius XII

Sometimes nobody really cares if you are miserable. So you might as well be happy. If you can't solve the problem, it is not a problem, it's a reality. Life is good if Jesus is inside your heart.

We always wait for the right time, not knowing that each time is right. We keep looking forward for tomorrow, but really there's no better time to be happy but now! Happiness can't be found at the end of the road. It's the journey itself that matters.

Life is like a yoyo in the hand of God. No matter how frequent the ups and downs, you'll end up in the palm of His hand. If we commit ourselves to Christ and follow in His way, he will give us life that satisfies with purpose for each day.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Frederick Koenig

The next time you feel sorry for yourself over what you don't have, consider all that you have and thank the Lord.

Cease to inquire what the future has in store, and take as a gift whatever the day brings forth. Horace

No one in the world is pure and perfect. If you avoid people for their mistakes you will always be alone in this world. Judge less and love more.
You make your own day, make it special. Maxwell Maltz

They say: Find good people and leave bad ones. But I change it as: Find the good in people and ignore the bad in them. Because no one is perfect.


-------> God sometimes take us into troubled waters, not to drown us, but to cleanse us.

Following God has two requirements: believing and acting like you do. ODB

Ability can get you to the top, but it would take character to keep you there.

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.

No one has ever been choked to death from swallowing his pride.

Seven days without a prayer makes one weak.

-----> When we get little, we want more. When we get more, we desire even more. But when we lose it, we realize little was enough.

Today think about how rich you are, your family and friends are priceless gifts, your time is gold, your health is wealth, and your God is the greatest treasure of all.

The kindness you give isn't always the same thing you get in return. Sometimes, it's more; sometimes, it's less; worst, sometimes you get none at all. But remember, God said, the one who willingly gives is always more blessed than the one who receives.

The finest fruit of a good person is his acts of love and kindness done toward others. These thoughtful gestures are tiny seeds when sowed, miracles happen, smiles appear, dreams blossom, love takes root and grow. We obtain happiness for every small or big thing we do with great love.

Lord God, give us the humility which realizes ignorance, admits mistakes, recognizes need, welcomes advice, accepts rebuke. Help us to praise and not to criticize, to sympathize and not to discourage, to build and not to destroy, to think of people at their best rather than at their worst.

We always wait for the right time, not knowing that each time is right. We keep looking forward for tomorrow but really, there's no better time to be happy but now. Happiness can't be found at the end of the road. It's the journey itself that matters.

Everyday is always a challenge to us. It's not about being wealthy, healthy, popular, or being perfect. It's about being a real person, humble, strong, and being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others with love as well. Let God be the center of our living.

Those who joyfully leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.

Worries end where faith begins.

Don't run ahead of God. Let Him direct your steps. He has plans and he has his own time. God's clock is never one minute early or late. It always strikes right on time.



God is the author of life. He is the reason why things are allowed to happen. He holds destiny. He knows when. He knows why. He knows you perfectly. He made you. So when your life is all mixed up and things get heavier, trust him. He makes all things beautiful in his time.

----> Even when life seems empty of comfort and joy, it is when our cups are empty that God fill them up.

Real happiness comes not on achieving big things but enjoying simple blessings.

We are admonished
 not to miss the graces of God so that we won't take up bitterness as a response to life's pain. "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and define many." Heb. 12:15

"Give us, Lord, a humble, quiet, peaceable, patient, tender and charitable
mind, and in all our thoughts, words and deeds a taste of the Holy Spirit. Give us, Lord, a lively faith, a firm hope, a fervent charity, and love of you. Take from us all lukewarmness in meditation, dullness in prayer. Give us fervor and delight in thinking of you and your grace, your tender compassion towards me. The things we pray for, good Lord, give us grace to labor for: through Jesus Christ our Lord." Prayer of St. Thomas More


Strong people are given much trials and heartaches because it is believed that they can overcome such pain, that they are brave. But sometimes we get so tired that we just want to scream and give up. When that certain time comes that you can no longer walk on your own, God helps you carry your pain. For as long as God is here, giving up is never a choice.

------> Everyday we have much to be thankful for. We may not have everything, but at least we never had nothing.

Never use your failure yesterday as an excuse for not trying again today. We may not undo the damage but we can always make a new start. Learn to suffer but never learn to surrender.


When God is trying to move us from one level to the next, we almost always have to be separated from something that we are strongly attached to. You can't go where you want to go and stay where you are. But keep in mind that whatever God is asking you to give up and go through, He will give up and go through, he will give you the strength to handle.


Takpan ka man ng dumptruck sa problema, itulak ka man ng bulldozer sa discouragement, bungkalin ka man ng backhoe sa kapighatian, dikdikin ka man ng pison sa sobrang hirap, huwag kang mag-alala kasi ang lahat ng ito ay proseso lamang para gumanda ang highway ng buhay mo. Your life is under construction and the architect is God.

Thank you Lord for the tiny flashes of joy during our dark days, for loving faces and encouraging words. Thank you for surprising us with answered prayers when we least expect them, for the wonder and beauty around us, for the peace that calm our souls and the hope when we have none of our own.


God's timing is always right. He will do what is best in the right time. Though you hear nothing, he is speaking. Though you see nothing, he is acting. With God, there are no accidents. Every incident is intended to bring us closer to Him.

The greater the sacrifice, the greater the triumph.

Symptoms of inner peace: frequent attacks of smiling, frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation, loss of interest in judging other people and their actions, loss of ability to worry, tendency to act based on hope rather than fear, ability to enjoy each moment, tendency to let thing happen, susceptibility to give and receive love. If symptoms persist, continue and give thanks to the Lord who is the great Author.

Seek God in your hunger, he is your bread. Seek him in your anger, he is your peace. Seek Him in your thirst, he is your living water. Seek him in your need, he is your provider. Seek him always, he is your great reward. Seek him every moment everyday, he is your happiest discovery.

The Temptation to Hoard

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.