PARADOXICAL

Prompt: Share what/how you personally know that God loves you.

My answer: I personally know God loves me when He surprises with gifts only He knows I will enjoy in particular.

since I am a writer by profession...
whenever I see certain magazines and books I've been looking in discount bookstores
when someone gifts me a book that I didn't know I will find very helpful

since I am an avid 'birder' (birdwatching enthusiast) and a B.S. Biology major in college...
when I discover new birds in our backyard by accident, or any new species of anything
whenever I encounter the beguiling and mysterious beauty of nature even the supposedly scary aspects

since I am into personal/spiritual growth and I've been in counseling and psychotherapy for some years...
whenever I have a new realization about life
whenever I finally get in touch with disrupted feelings/emotions over an issue in the past that I got traumatized in
whenever I find myself repenting of a past sin (more and more conversion)

since I love to eat...
whenever I encounter a new flavor

I know God loves me through the air I breathe, the water I drink, the three square meals a day that I eat (plus snacks), the other basic necessities met such as shelter and clothing,  through my family, through my friends old and new, through others who are good people.

"I came that they might have life and that their lives may be complete!" John 10:10 says.

What does it mean to be complete? The subject is crying out for a book to be written on it, but Fr. Jhonatan A. Letada has an outline. He says to have completeness is to have the following elements:

1. Purpose

2. Love - Thomas Merton

3. Union with Christ or love relationship with Christ - St. Paul to Colossians

4. God at the core of your being

5. Love of family

6. Balanced life

7. Cope with changes

8. Gratefulness

9. Share your blessings

10. In touch with your community

11. Ability to serve others

12. Acknowledge imperfections

13. Forgive yourself

14. Pray for others

15 Eucharistic life

Thank God for priests! They are shining during these dark days, to paraphrase a friend.

Thank God for birthdays, for we are treated to food we couldn't procure at this difficult time. When it was my sister's birthday, we had maja blanca, pancit, tambo-tambong, caldereta, higado, lumpiang shanghai, and buko salad. It was also our neighbor Rod's birthday, and his wife Ellen gave us a different version of pancit that was so tasty.

Today, it's Kuya Boni's birthday, and his family offered lechon (wow!), glass noodles pancit, cassava cake, and latik. What a delicious treat.

The other day, we had malunggay pandesal and ice cream on a spur of the moment, thanks to our runners JV and Ace.

Why am I always so fearful? What am I afraid of? 

The fact is I am not afraid.  am dreadful. I am afraid of so many things I'd rather not face them. But "Face your fears," they all say, so now I am doing that.

What are these frickin' fears? They are legion.

In this time of pandemic, of course I am deathly afraid of catching the disease like the rest, but it's more complicated than that. ...For I am afraid of the physical suffering, then getting hospitalized for it, then shouldering the bill, and infecting the rest of my household. I am already afraid of dying -- how much more dying from it, and alone too, like all the rest of the casualty. On top of that, I am afraid of losing any loved ones because of it. I am afraid of death in general, but most especially sudden death, painful death, violent death.

I am worried about my panic attacks and everything it means: palpitations (especially those that seem not to end), racing heart, difficulty breathing, dizziness -- it's always like my end has come to pass, even though it's not, at least not yet. I am worried that I might have waves and waves of panic attack at work and I would need to to be rescued so I could get home or get hospitalized to have my vital signs checked. I am worried about my BP shooting to extremely high readings, and I wouldn't know what to do with no one beside me. I am worried that I will have no way of going to work or going home from work except walk, which I can't do when I am in the middle of a panic attack.  I am worried that I would be alone and helpless in case I find myself I am in the middle of it.    

I am afraid of not just high blood pressure, but everything associated with it, especially heart attack and stroke. I am afraid of atrial fibrillation and anything about irregular heartbeats, chest pains, shortness of breath or even breathlessness, collapsing.... 

I am afraid of other forms of death, especially those I see in the news, being rushed to the hospital in a stretcher and ambulance and all in the dead of the night, with my parents going hysterical and all the possible consequences. 

I am afraid of losing my job because of this. 

At work, I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of being assigned work that is too voluminous for me, or way beyond my competence, or more than what I promised (I originally applied as a writer, nothing more, nothing less). I am afraid of not delivering what my boss, a well-known high achiever, wants.

In front of a large audience, I am afraid of speaking. Why? Because I am afraid they won't like me. I must also be afraid of making a mistake. I must be afraid of not making an impression according to what's expected of my background. I am anxious about what an audience poisoned by political divisiveness would receive me, their old town-mate.

I am already afraid as it is, with my state of life (single and living with three seniors) -- how people resume what or who I am, how I would fare in the coming years, whether I will have a decent livelihood, whether I will have friends around me at the least, and so on.

+ Fear of petty crimes

Fear of Islamic terrorists and Islamists

Fear of walking outside the house beyond a block, especially uphill and under the sun

I am thankful that because it's my sister's birthday yesterday, our family had a reason to eat new stuff apart from our boring quarantine fare. We had -- after what seems to be years -- a proper caldereta, higado, maja, bilo-bilo, buko salad, and lumpiang shanghai, on top of pancit.

 On top of this, Bing, our next-door neighbor sold us a basin full of salay-salay fish, which I love eating fried.

A week before, since the carinderias were once again operational, I ordered Ate Nora's chicken liver caldereta, chop suey, her version of igado, and my favorite sisig -- all to go, of course.

These somewhat gave a warm back-to-normal feeling.

Someday, when all this will be over -- hopefully soon -- we will all be laughing at everything exaggerated that we've done. ...Like how much we cleaned our hands and all frequent-contact surfaces with alcohol, soap or chlorox and how our hands hurt from all that frequent cleaning, how paranoid we all were, and so on.

If only people knew how much we needed help in these times of pandemic. So I need to make this acknowledgment list.

SK Cadre Site - 2 kilo rice
provincial government - 1 kilo rice
Mayor Cezar T. Quiambao and family - second wave of relief goods: 8 kilo rice, 1 kilo munggo, 1 whole dressed chicken, assorted Baguio vegetables
Mayor Cezar T. Quiambao and family - 10 kilos of red rice, the reason I lost weight lately
LGU Bayambang - 1st wave of relief goods: rice, sardines, instant noodles, washable cloth mask, 1 roll tissue paper
Cadre Site Barangay Council - 1 kilo? rice, 1 pack Nescafe
Brgy Councilor Virgie - 1 small kettle of macaroni soup
Tio Junior - young green saba, eggplants, green chilies -- for the first time after several decades, I was able to have this dish called kinurkor ya ponti with malunggay leaves topped with fried bangus
PO1 Alvin - bunches of malunggay pods (two times)
Ate Virgie - 1 box of carabao mangoes and for selling 2 sacks of rice
Carlo - 1 box of carabao mangoes
Ate Linda - a big slice of jackfruit and eggplants
assorted neighbors - pancit (3 times), spaghetti, macaroni salad, buchi, kariman
Bing - green chilies and eggplants
backdoor neighbor - around 40 much-sought-after green Indian mangoes
Mrs. Gabriel - 5-kilo high quality rice
Tia Doring - makopa fruits

DSWD - for the P5,500x2 cash that my indigent uncle received/about to receive

our hired hands - we were able to taste sineguelas, pan de limon, etc. on top of having the usual pinakbet and chop suey vegetables

ambulant vendors - for making it possible to have singkamas, sweet melons, pork, chicken, fish (though limited to galunggong, dalagang bukid, and bangus)

Magic's online grocery - we were able to have navel oranges, crisp Fuji apples, Gardenia bread

At  times, my family was able to reciprocate by giving away bunches of green bananas, kangkong tops, a crate of mangoes (allegedly Hawaiian variety), thanks to our backyard garden... and our current crop of saluyot promises a bumper harvest as well -- so thank God for these too.

The current heat index is impossibly hot -- volcanic or even hellish at 40-50+. My palpitations get worse n these times because they are accompanied by some difficulty of breathing which resembles panic attacks and sadly even even symptoms of heart attack, so may the Lord have mercy on me and the likes of me suffering like this.

Of course it is of no help to my anxious self to encounter new reasons to be disturbed, like signs that an earthquake somewhere is about to happen when centipedes suddenly come out of hiding, and cockroaches too, and sardines suddenly gather at the shore y the thousands panting for breath (a bonanza to the locals of Dipolog and Bicol, though), and spiders inexplicably go down from their perch up.

I hope it's just my paranoia kicking in once again.

Day melts into day without much distinction, Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday...weekday to weekend. It'a typical plaint from far too bored locked-down (or locked-up) folks like me.

Some say they are developing a new dis-ease called cabin fever. Have never heard of it before, so I have something to look up.

One good thing about this is you wake up one day without realizing it's already the last day of the extended enhanced community quarantine (with gingko biloba and lactobacilli shirota strain, as the joke goes).

The pandemic gave me enough pause to realize that my work in public service has taken my usual me time. I can count with my hands the number of books and movies I was able to watch since 2016, and these are two of my many sources of entertainment to make life in this valley of tears a little bit more bearable.

I am reminded that I should catch up on my long list of movies to watch. A new must-watch list from IMDB has listed the following as belonging to the top 250. Barring titles that are out-and-out morally questionable, I need to look up any of these titles:

The Dark Knight
12 Angry Men
Seven
There Will Be Blood
Up
Ford v Ferrari
The Invisible Guest
Gladiator
Grand Budapest Hotel
Parasite
Downfall
Wall-E
Hacksaw Ridge
Prisoners
Old Boy
Casino
Once Upon a Time in America
12 Years a Slave
Interstellar
The Silence of the Lambs
The Intouchables
Shutter Island
Memories of Murder
Grave of the Fireflies
The Hunt
The Usual Suspects
A Separation
Joker
Like Stars on Earth
Requiem for a Dream
Green Book
Coco
In the Name of the Father
Klaus
Children of Heaven
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Amadeus
Heat
Handmaiden
La Haine
The Lives of Others
Ace in the Hole
Lagaan
The Passion of Joan of Arc
Portrait of a Lady on Fire
Paths of Glory
The Bandit
Network
Howl's Moving Castle
Barry Lyndon
Winter Sleep
The Great Escape
Some Like It Hot
Babam Oglum
Come and See
China Town
Andrei Rublev
Double Indemnity
The Thing
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Rush
Dial M for Murder
The Red Shoes
The Secret in Their Eyes
City Lights
The Third Man
The General
PK
The Wages of Fear
My Neighbor Totoro
Wild Tales
Judgment at Nuremberg
The Apartment
Aliens
High and Low
Logan
Cool Hand Luke
American History X
Witness for the Prosecution
The Gold Rush
The Kid
Wild Strawberries
Reservoir Dogs
Life of Brian
Ikiru
Fanny and Alexander
Sherlock Jr.
Dr. Stranglelove
The Sting
Nausicaa
Andhadun
Drishyam
Herapheri

Overall, my music while quarantined seems a desire to be assured that I am loved.

Rise Up - Andra Day
Follow Your Dreams - Sheryn Regis
From This Moment - Shania Twain

The gravity of the situation has not really sunk in with many people. Like this guy based in Manila who wanted to come home because his dad just died and he wanted to be with his family. He thought he could easily hop on a bus going home. There are no buses, of course, and there are too many checkpoints in the road going north, so tough luck. What could I do but tear up at his quandary, which I am sure he will never forget.

I myself am practically a PWD, a person with disability, psychologically that is, with my panic attacks and all. On a bad day, I can't just go out and walk beyond one block because, I know this is crazy, but it triggers debilitating palpitations, like I am having a heart attack! The fact that I live with three senior citizens with their own health issues does not make my life any easier. But there are so many little things to be thankful for in the midst of the many difficulties brought about by this pandemic.

People have been giving fruits and other food items for free: Bing's green chili and eggplant, Ate Linda's jackfruit and eggplant, Ate Virgie's mangoes,  Carlo's carabao mangoes...

We were also able to give something in return, for our mango tree in front is loaded with fruits, though it's not the most preferred variety (reportedly Hawaiian, instead of the much desired Indian and carabao mango), green banana variety called ebeb from our garden at the back, and 'Chinese' kangkong tops.

Reputable ambulant vendors have been selling food stuff we've been looking for: pork sold by partidors (I learned a new word in the local language), dressed chicken, galunggong, bangus (not Bonuan, though), tilapia, turnips... A guy from San Pascual, Bani, sells pan de sal the traditional way "by pot-pot," that is, on a bike with horns.

There are people willing to buy food items for us, of course with a minimal to considerable charge, thus satisfying our cravings. Jona and Grace have bought for us fresh batches of loaf bread, pan de limon, pinakbet vegetables, sineguelas, etc. from the public market.

Ace have been our 'dysfunctional' household's "alay" or our go-to runner boy for everything, from hard-to-procure grocery items to maintenance meds to payment of utility bills. Where can one find a person willing to risk his life like that even for a fee? He once bought the wrong bean -- white kidney beans instead of white beans, but I am thankful that our family discovered a new bean to cook. I even discovered new crackers that turn out to be delicious or filling: So Lucky, Whatta Flakes by Lemon Square. I even get to taste an old favorite, Nissin's Butter Coconut flakes. If not for Ace, my last resort would perhaps be Carlo, my sister's husband.

Magic Supermart recently came out with its online ordering system and door-to-door delivery of grocery items, so my family is able to have things we otherwise would not be able to get so easily.

My mother is still strong to do important chores at age 69.

I thank Jocelyn for pointing me to the YouTube videos of the unbelievable Lizi Qi! Now there's a distraction that is not aggravating but instead relaxing.

I am able to discover new bird species, at least through the new strange twittering I hear. (Is that the yellow-black oriole called kilyawan?)

When things settled down a bit, and I became calm enough to enjoy anything, I was able to watch and enjoy a grand production, even just online, The Phantom of the Opera. Now, if only I could regain my desire to watch movies too.

I am thankful for the luxury of blogging -- though it's more of a therapeutic necessity for me.

I thank God I still have a job. So many people have lost their jobs overnight.

I thank God I am still alive, together with the rest of my family. Jack Ma was quoted as saying that this is "the greatest profit" we can have at this point. In the Christian perspective, of course, the greatest profit is not to remain alive but to be saved, to gain eternal life.

The most apt soundtrack for this therefore is a most humble Tagalog church song (that is, no desire to impress) titled "Walang Hanggang Pasasalamat" reportedly by Leo Olivo Rosario. The second honorable mention, because it has the same unassuming spirit, goes to "Alam Kong May Magagawa ang Diyos" by I'm not sure who because I can't even Google the name of the composer.