PARADOXICAL

Monbourquette's Test for Unforgiveness

We all know that forgiveness is one of the hardest things in life. That's no surprise considering, as Algeria-based Italian monk Carlo Carretto (Journey without End, 1989) once put it, "forgiveness is the apex of the journey." Love (or love as we know it) is easier, for it takes no effort to love anything or anyone who's lovable. Besides, 'love' is pleasurable even though it can be hard. But real love, i.e., loving the unlovable? That's synonymous to forgiving one's enemy, in which not only much effort is necessary, it is also too impossible to realize on our own. But forgiveness is necessary, an essential part of life, if only for our own sake. Life is hard enough without the baggage of bitterness and heartache that unforgiveness brings. Forgiveness is thus the key to unconditional love, the kind that God proffers to humanity.

Part of the difficulty with forgiveness is that it is amazingly complicated, as the book by John Monbourquette (How to Forgive, 2000) or any essay or book on the subject will attest. It is riddled with many qualifiers, from "You can't forgive what you don't recognize as an offense" to "Forgiveness doesn't automatically mean reconciliation or that the offender must change." But complexity should be no reason not to try to forgive, for unforgiveness has its own complex team of monstrous consequences.

Like disease, unforgiveness comes with several complications, as Monbourquette says. With this list of complications, I shudder at the mere thought of not having forgiven yet my many offenders, both consciously and, most importantly, from the heart.

I always knew I should forgive, and as early as I can, if possible. I am selfish enough not to know any better.

In case you too want to take your chances or help 'diagnose' yourself, try this exercise: The Test for Unforgiveness. The only requirement is total honesty, being in touch with your true (i.e., hidden) thoughts and feelings (including dreams and daydreams, or most especially so), the great 'outers' of our true emotional, psychological, moral, spiritual state.

Imagine a person you hate so much. Now tick off the points below that you are guilty of feeling or thinking.

1. "He's such a bad person, s/he should be punished, and s/he doesn't deserve my mercy and forgiveness."

2. "Why am I so sensitive and why do I feel so insecure when it comes to his comments? Why am I so hurt by what s/he said or did? S/He must be the one who's so malicious."

3. "I resent her success. I deserve it more than she does."

4. "I hate all the things he's fond of. If he's fond of God, I will automatically hate God too."

5. "I will never ever see him or talk to him again. If he needs help, I will not give it."

6. "Oh, how happy I am to see her run into misfortune. How sweet it is to take revenge."

7. "You know what this evil person did to me? Come, let me share all the gory details with you."

8. "I am surely better than he is."

9. "For all my troubles, I should be blest more than she is."

10. "The point is, I am hurt, and I don't care if I have hurt others too in the process."

11. "I hate him so much! I swear to God!"

12. "Wait, this new person is just like him, and so I automatically hate him too!"

13. "Oh no, I've become just like him -- I see myself in him!"

One important element here is missing, however: the hardest form of forgiveness: forgiving oneself. Without this, one remains stuck even one has forgiven everyone else. Thus, this additional item:

14. "I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself, I can't forgive myself." (This is also known as Judas's sin, the loss of confidence or trust in God's mercy.)

How did you fare? A score of 1 or more will most probably entitle you to a chance to forgive that filthy rotten animal you've always wanted cursed to hell.

Although "time heals all wounds," we easily learn from the foregoing that forgiveness is never passive, but always an heroic act, even when done for one's own sake, in the desire to move on. In this sense, it is forgiveness that makes the world really go round.

posted by Resty Odon  # 7:48 PM 0 Comments

5 Languages of Forgiveness (The Offender's Side)

It is hard to forgive, but it is equally hard to ask for forgiveness. But that is only true if we are too proud to say sorry.

As the offender, asking for forgiveness has also its own share of complexity. That is because not all "sorry's" are equal. There are actually five kinds, with the succeeding one considered better than the first.

These are pretty self-explanatory.

1. "I'm sorry." >>> The offender feels bad, but doesn't necessarily acknowledge the wrong done. It is unclear in that it can mean either "I am sorry I did wrong and hurt you" or "I am sorry you feel that way but not necessarily because I did something wrong." It can also be used in an insincere way.

2. "I was wrong." >>> The offender makes an acknowledgment that he/she has done wrong. This takes a lot of humility and good dose of courage because it sure hurts one ego or sense of pride to admit that one has made a mistake. We humans basically want to be seen as good; the trouble is when we wish to be seen as perfect.

3. "I won't do it again." >>> The offender promises not to do the same mistake again. This takes one step further by promising to make an effort not to repeat the same mistake in the future. It sure is an indication of sincerity and a clear sign of sorrow for committing the mistake.

4. "What can I do (to make it up to you)?" >>> The offender actually proposes to make amends. This one goes another step forward by offering reparation for the wrong done. It is, of course, another indication of humility, courage, and sincerity.

5. "Will you/please forgive me?" - The offender actually begs for mercy. This is the most touching gesture of all, in that the offender goes out of his/her way to directly ask forgiveness to the one sinned against. There is no question that something bad has been done against the offending party. There is a laudable admission of guilt through the audible request to grant amnesty.

What kind of language do you use when you have (legitimately) offended someone? I hope it is a humble, courageous, and sincere one.

(based on Fr. Dave Concepcion’s homily)

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See also Monbourquette's Test for Unforgiveness posted earlier.

posted by Resty Odon  # 7:47 PM 0 Comments