PARADOXICAL

These memories came up one after another after several self-administered EMDR sessions.

Pasay City Post Offcie

church in Kalayaan Village

Mall of Asia

Glorietta after drinking sugarcane

***

Agoraphobia episodes

MOA?

New Greenbelt Mall

Moonwalk Church

Bb. Bayambang pageant

Kalutan Concert with ???

SM Manila with Ma'am Letty

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Biking episodes

Bumped by a biker in Pandacan

Incident with Benjoe at town plaza

Incident with Rodel in Nalsian? where I tried learning how to drive a motorbike, then I saw a big Victory Liner? bus

Deathly fear with Jun Magsaysay

fear of biking and motorbiking

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Realizations behind panic over going back to work:

I am blessed to have a job others would wish to have!

I'm happy to serve my people.

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I was traumatized by the pandemic-related Facebook cries for help that came by the hundreds at a time.

Thank you for bringing us new stuff over the last few days and weeks.

Avocado

Gardenia loaf bread (ube and cheese and wheat and raisin)

Tamban fish (how I missed this tasty one)

Labong (bamboo shoot)

Celery

Cucumber 

New lifers for this birder: little spiderhunter and scale-breasted munia, plus a biggish black bird, another bird that seems to be a scale-breasted malkoha, and a new bird sound.

I also rediscovered the use of EMDR when I let my eyes dart from side to side and unexpectedly found my palpitations upon waking up gone in no time flat. Then after that, I had zero episodes of the dreaded palps since yesterday! Oh God, I hope this is the healing and recovery I have long been praying for!

I am thankful for reading, literature, novels, stories well told.

...for the joys of birdwatching. I just came face to face with two new lifers: a brown munia and a little spiderhunter. Who knew these two resided right in my place?

I am thankful for biology in general, for the wonders of creation.

...for work and the position, for the chance to give back by serving my people

...for new cultural influences that enrich our lives.

...for movies

...for architecture

...for Filipino culture

...for the endless variety of flavors in cooking different things

Fear comes from loneliness. As it is, we are already lonely. We don't want more loneliness, so we are afraid of anything that will bring about more loneliness. At this time of pandemic, these fears are of course the fear of getting infected or getting sick, fearing for our lives and that of our family, the fear of dying alone, the fear of having someone dear dying on us and we can't get near him, and beyond COVID-19, the fear of losing our job and our possessions, the fear of getting old, the fear of being alone, and so on.

Why are we lonely? Loneliness comes from the belief that we lack love in our life. It comes from lack of faith in the love of God, or lack of faith in God.

***

My prayer for today: Heal me, Lord, most especially that subconscious or unconscious part of me that is apparently atheist though I don't know exactly why.   Reveal that 'why' to me.

I am basically good-natured.
I am Godly because I fear and love God.
I am quite intelligent.
I have understated charm, or so they are afraid to say.
I am a big bro and doting uncle. I love my siblings and their children.
I am responsible, being the first-born.
I am inquisitive/have great curiosity, sense of wonder.
I am punctilious with details.
orderly
I am quiet and introspective, can be a deep thinker.
But I know how to have fun
I love dance music, I love to dance
My sense of justice and fairness is acute; I am socially aware so I have social concern.
No longer snobbish, I love the poor and the unfortunate.
Balanced, not rash, in judgment
truth-seeker
writer
artistic
wide interest, well-rounded knowledge
perfectionist
bookworm
architecture
birds
ecology
literature
sense of humor, so I love comedy
music, almost all genres

My 2014, I could say, was bookended by two episodes of panic attacks. The first was when there was a fire in the neighborhood, and of course, I panicked for I think two hours. The last was on Dec. 23, when a man scaled my wall and walked on my rooftop, maybe in an attempt to stage a robbery.

My maternal grandmother died on April.

I was almost denied check encashment at RCBC due to a lack of a third valid ID.

Unable to attend mass, go to adoration chapel, talipapa, and venture outside my place without medicine.

No malling, movies, cafes, travels...

No regular job, although there was one serious offer.

Stopped blogging in public.

Dealt with serious episodes of insomnia

Compiled essays into three books

Discovered diphenhydramine's anxiolytic property

Became editor of Asian Traveler magazine, at least unofficially

Steady proofreading -- and contributing -- jobs!

Assignment at The Farm at San Benito in Lipa City

YouTube movies resumed: Hiro Loves Sushi, Broken Marriage, Working Girl, Bakit Bughaw ang Langit, Abot Kamay ang Langit, Babette's Feast, Hinugot sa Langit, Hindi Nahahati ang Langit, Kung Mahawi Man ang Ulap, Minsan Lang Sila Bata, Sugatang Puso

Reunion with cousin Dennis and other Odon cousins and relatives

Reunion with Jocelyn Inacay and classmates

Reunion with Joy Te and classmates

Reunion with Mira Jimenez and classmates

Mira diagnosing my case of palps as depression-related

Breakthrough with insulin spikes vs butter/protein

Ebooks I've read: Steve Jobs' biography, Emotional First-Aid Kit by Dr. Leo dela Cruz, Colonial Counterpoint: Music in Early Modern Manila by D.R.M. Irving

Dr. Irene Penamante's help at Richter and Otis clinic

Healing masses on TV

Mass on Radio Veritas

Helpful faith and life talks on Radio Veritas

Karaoke at home