PARADOXICAL

Whenever we feel guilty for having done something wrong against God, we always have this unsettling feeling that something sinister is going to happen to us anytime. It could be a lightning striking us in the most statistically implausible manner, or our car losing its brakes in the middle of the skyway, or a button of our shirt we have unknowingly left unfastened on our way to work and not discover until during a presentation with clients, until it’s too late.

A guild-ridden conscience is a conscience that is not at peace. Suddenly our guardian angel seems to have gone on an indefinite leave, the Holy Spirit seems to have distanced itself like a little boy sulking in one corner after we haven't kept our word with him. We're hanging to the flimsy thread of metaphysical unease, fearful that it might break anytime soon. We worry a lot. We conjure up worst-case scenarios in our mind. We couldn't sleep well. We wake up in the middle of the night with our hearts throbbing. We get nightmares.

We're anxious about the ten thousand things that could possibly go wrong in life. A cancer gene activating. Our entire savings withdrawn by somebody else. An entire skyscraper toppling on us.

Our subconscious knows we're not prepared for any bad news coming our way. We know we'd break at the faintest sound of bad tidings. We sap our bodily energy for it, the strength we need to carry on. Our knees wobble as a result. Suddenly it takes an effort to laugh. We couldn't eat well. We resort to all sorts of psychological crutches - alcohol, cigarettes, sex, drugs. Yet ironically we couldn't enjoy life.

"These are signs that we've grieved the Holy Spirit'" said my spiritual director. It's a time when God seems to be less of a Loving Father and more of a Punishing One, a Supreme Court Judge.

When we feel guilty, we are not just nervous. We are also ashamed, behaving as though we have something to hide, we have something to atone for. We could not perform our tasks with confidence because something is maliciously casting doubts on our self-esteem. We can't hear the voice of God because a noisy clatter has taken over, accusing us "You're a sinner! You're a sinner!" like a broken gramophone record.

What are we to do when we're guilty as sin? The only way out, it seems, is to stop being a fool and own up to our sins: Confession or saying sorry, nay, asking forgiveness. What I’ve learned is saying sorry doesn't necessarily mean a recognition of wrongdoing; it could only mean vacuous empathy for the party we've hurt. In asking forgiveness, the recognition of one's fault is implicit. [Protestants prefer doing this exercise directly.]

Humbling ourselves before the Lord is the only way to regain dignity. God is compassionate to the humble. He is attracted to an admission of one's wretchedness. His divinity is tickled pink when there's a need to save a soul, for someone to show mercy to, especially undeserved mercy.

Isn't it annoying that whenever we sin, we know we have been triumphant doing things our way, but in the end, we are not at peace, we are anxious? It's because the deadweight of guilt catches up on us and, indeed, weighs us down.

But it simply doesn't pay to remain guilty. Thankfully, God's brand of peace has no price. It is for free, never to be bought by any form of bribe. The only bribe valid, if ever, would be a repentant heart ready to repair what has been broken, willing to promise not to sin again.


4.20.2001

posted by Resty Odon  # 7:57 PM