PARADOXICAL

My whole life has been a long list of should be this, should be that. I should be successful. I should be a leader. I should be tough like a real man. I should be rich. I should always be intelligent. I should know it all (maybe except anything with math). I should be a role model. I should have certain material things in life. I should look handsome. I should have a perfect body build and flawless fair skin. I should always be adorable. I should be the good boy that I've always been. I should have a wife and kids at this age. I should always be on top. I should go abroad. I should earn dollars.

My whole life has been a long list of should be this, should be that --

a) because of what other people told me,
b) because I believed them and took them up as my identity, and
c) because of what I did as a result and what I told myself when I failed.

I felt like everything that could be wrong in life all landed on my lap. There have also been a lot of ways, mostly subtle, that a lot of people told me I was unhappy, or should be.

Because of this, I've been so self willed. All my life has been about imposing my will (which is really other people's well-meaning will for me) on God. I've also become pessimistic, critical, despairingly sad and hopeless, not to mention always envious and insecure, which adds yet another layer of sin to my multiple sins, not to mention being perfectionist. And so my life, or my many misinterpretations of it, is killing me.

No wonder I always have something to complain about. Now wonder I am always upset, always wanting to get what I want even if I can't. Instead of being thankful for my blessings, for the little and big things I have that I don't even see, I always focus on what is missing, on what is lacking. When I was growing up at home in Pangasinan, I always dreamed I was living in Manila. When I was studying in UP Baguio, I thought I would only be satisfied and happier if I transfered to the Diliman campus. Now that I live in Manila, and I feel unsatisfied with it, because there are things Manila doesn't have that Pangasinan and Baguio have, I now dream of living in New York instead, or probably in a First World country, anywhere but here.

Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me a million times for my uncountable mistakes.

I choose Your will over mine in all of my life. I've done that before but this shameful clump of dirt and dust easily forgets. Help me always to remind myself what I chose: You.

Got this compilation from an old CLP talk:

Phil 1:27-2:11
Rom. 2:3
Rom 12:3
Is. 40:12-15

Job 38-42 - the classic passages putting man in his place vis a vis God

Counterbalancing thoughts, lest we be depressed by our sins/weaknesses through false humility and low self-esteem (ie as a result of basing our self-esteem based on the world's approval)

Is 43:1-4
Eph 1:4
Jn 3:16
1Cor 12:7
Ps 139 - notice the last stanza which expresses raw hate for what is evil and evil men
2Tim 1:7 - a Christian is not timid but has power, love and self-control

See also: http://te-deum.blogspot.com/2009/01/bishop-allen-vignerons-10-rules-for.html Bishop Allen Vigneron's "10 Rules for handling disagreement like a Christian"

Good things come to those who wait, better things to those who try, best things to those who believe, desired things to those who pray.

We can't (or may not be able to) change reality but we can change the eyes that see reality. Look at good, the true, and the beautiful.

Health doesn't come from medicine. It comes from peace of mind, peace in the heart, peace of soul, laughter, love, and faith in God.

In order to create, there must be a dynamic force. And what force is greater than love? - Igor Stravinsky

We heal our minds whenever we let bad memories go. We heal our hearts whenever we forgive. And we heal our souls whenever we pray.

The closer you walk with God, the clearer you see his guidance, and wherever he guides, he provides.

A perfect life cannot be found in wealth because riches can be taken away, not in popularity for popular people can be forgotten, not in beauty for beauty is not permanent, not in intelligence because it doesn't make use a higher creation of God. instead, a perfect life can be found in contentment with things we have, love we give, and we get from the people around us and from faith in God who gives us everything.

The art of being happy lies in the power of finding happiness in ordinary things. Life doesn't foce us to be the best. It only asks that we try.

When we touch the sick and needy, we touch the suffering body of Christ. - Mother Teresa

Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full. (Jn 16:24)

The divine love of God reveals to us that fruitfulness is more important than success, that love of God is more important than the praise of people, that community is more important than individualism and compassion more important than competition.

- Henry Nouwen

Sabi ni ni Sister Raquel, "Kapag ang puso mo ay mapagpala, matatanaw mo ang walang hanggan." Ang karunungan ay galing hindi sa utak kundi sa puso at kaluluwa,...