PARADOXICAL

My whole life has been a long list of should be this, should be that. I should be successful. I should be a leader. I should be tough like a real man. I should be rich. I should always be intelligent. I should know it all (maybe except anything with math). I should be a role model. I should have certain material things in life. I should look handsome. I should have a perfect body build and flawless fair skin. I should always be adorable. I should be the good boy that I've always been. I should have a wife and kids at this age. I should always be on top. I should go abroad. I should earn dollars.

My whole life has been a long list of should be this, should be that --

a) because of what other people told me,
b) because I believed them and took them up as my identity, and
c) because of what I did as a result and what I told myself when I failed.

I felt like everything that could be wrong in life all landed on my lap. There have also been a lot of ways, mostly subtle, that a lot of people told me I was unhappy, or should be.

Because of this, I've been so self willed. All my life has been about imposing my will (which is really other people's well-meaning will for me) on God. I've also become pessimistic, critical, despairingly sad and hopeless, not to mention always envious and insecure, which adds yet another layer of sin to my multiple sins, not to mention being perfectionist. And so my life, or my many misinterpretations of it, is killing me.

No wonder I always have something to complain about. Now wonder I am always upset, always wanting to get what I want even if I can't. Instead of being thankful for my blessings, for the little and big things I have that I don't even see, I always focus on what is missing, on what is lacking. When I was growing up at home in Pangasinan, I always dreamed I was living in Manila. When I was studying in UP Baguio, I thought I would only be satisfied and happier if I transfered to the Diliman campus. Now that I live in Manila, and I feel unsatisfied with it, because there are things Manila doesn't have that Pangasinan and Baguio have, I now dream of living in New York instead, or probably in a First World country, anywhere but here.

Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me a million times for my uncountable mistakes.

I choose Your will over mine in all of my life. I've done that before but this shameful clump of dirt and dust easily forgets. Help me always to remind myself what I chose: You.