PARADOXICAL

pp. 58 (cont'd)-60 http://books.google.com.ph/books?id=EOg19fGyNyoC&pg=PA58&lpg=PP1&hl=tl&output=html_text

These part reminds me why i joined Catholic charismatic community in the first place. I am reminded that I joined not just because I was so lonely in the world, trying hard to practice the ways of God but hardly with anyone else wanting to do so as I did, at least not in the zeal that I had. I joined because I wasn't happy with the world. After I got what wanted, it immediately proved to be empty and unsatisfying.

I wanted to experience happiness, real, unfading happiness, or as spiritual writers say, joy. I got what I wanted, finding it in charismatic community, but the euphoria soon subsided. I learned that I had to work on it. After being afforded the grace, I need to do my part, that part that's, to quote the Bible, I hope not inaccurately, "lacking in Christ's salvific/redemptive act."

I am still trying to sustain that difficult balancing act of "living in the world but not of it."

In short, I came to community not just because i wanted to be in heaven someday, but also because i wanted to have a foretaste of heaven while on earth. For I didn't like what I saw in the world -- heartless competition, ceaseless, unfulfilling toil, selfishness/egoism all around, the vacuousness of worldly ambition, the general dearth of love in the hearts of men and the ways of the world.

Thankfully, i saw that heaven on earth was possible. It came with a price, though, which I must pay. I can't have it both ways, the world and heaven. I needed to see everything through another prism and perspective, that of the eternal. I am still trying so hard to make shift, for the the lures of the world can be wily to the point of falsely mesmerizing. it is easy to lose my focus if I am not alert.

It's good to be reminded, in this major way, of what i really wanted. It's even greater to be reminded of what I certainly didn't want: the reverse of heavenly ways. I keep on discovering what these are. In the recent years, i began the deepening of my faith by digging deeper psychologically. i discovered that I was so wretched within with a wretchedness that covers my pure core with a multiple layers of sin/darkness. It's good to discover that I also didn't want those things inside of me that I wasn't cognizant of before: denials, defenses, hidden angers/resentments, rationalizations, sub-./unconscious fears/anxieties, dread, insecurity, and so on.

I don't want sin. Sin is ugly. It has far too many consequences. Just on a personal level, it brings about guilt, shame, lack of peace, consequences, the uneasy feeling that I am to be punished anytime. Sin begets sin, which if left unrepented, begets a multitude of sins,and with them, a multitude of troubles. I will give everything just to have peace of mind.

I wish to go on with my earthly journey, but hopefully this Lent and beyond, I would delve more on my core, my real self, the wonder child, the divine spark that longs to be with God here and now,  thereafter, and forever and ever. After discarding all the dross, I wish the one real spiritual journey to begin. That way, i could begin to truly say I am treading the path to saintly grounds.

No, wait, I can be a saint right now, where I am seated and stuck in the mire. No excuses!

Prayer:

Continue to make me singlehearted for You, Lord. Give me an undivided heart that will sustain me throughout the difficult journey of ups and downs. I want to have a happy life here and now.