PARADOXICAL
The faith chronicles
Thursday, July 30, 2020
The things I resort to to get out of panic mode
Through the years, I have learned to resort to certain strategies just to get out of a panic attack.
EMDR therapy
Valsalva maneuver
exert myself in the toilet bowl
massaging that part of my palm where my thumb muscles end
cranial massage
ear massage
tai chi/qigong tapping
sitting on a rocking chair
spending time on a swing or hammock
drinking blue pea flower tea
eating orange in the belief that it will lower my shooting up blood pressure fast
drinking pineapple juice in the belief that it will lower my shooting up blood pressure fast
smelling lavender scent or orange or lemon
flooding or facing my fear squarely by not controlling my breath, not doing anything to lessen all the scary symptoms and instead dictating to my self to make ALL of them to get EVEN worse
bilateral stimulation like butterfly hug or slowly tapping my knees with one hand from left to right
literally shaking off the excess energy
hypnosis videos
relaxation music videos
fidget cube/fidget spinner
focus on something else to distract myself, like continue doing the task at hand
attending holy mass online - yes, this too!
The last thing I resort to is taking Valium. Why last? Because it has nasty side effects like hypertension, dizziness, irritability, dry mouth...
***
There are also things I avoid in order to avoid having another episode.
not drinking coffee, tea or anything with lots of caffeine like dark chocolate, and drinking decaf instead
not taking anything sweet or sugary
not taking anything with processed meats and MSG
avoiding stressful situations
avoiding getting very angry
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Celebratory episode (or stage?)
What does it tell me when my latest LSS tunes are pieces from the Motown era but to which I was exposed only later in life, in the '90s? These are the trifecta of:
Superstition by Stevie Wonder
Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder
Play that Funky Music by ???
I heard these tunes at Streetlife in Makati during jaunts there with officemates, and turns out they made their mark on me unknowingly for their stark positivity to the point of being celebratory.
Another song that came up is Mentirosa, a rap song that I associated with Spirits Disco in Baguio City during my college years. It was a first for me in terms of going to a legit disco surrounded by the city's young and remarkably beautiful people that I felt like dirt. But the memory is basically a happy one to the point of giddy.
I feel like I am nearing healing. I really want to be free from panic attacks. I wonder when I will be able to say that I am totally free or that at least things have subsided substantially.
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Nostalgic mode, but with no tears
The pandemic has not waned down in the Philippines, but my panic episodes seems to have winded down a bit, thank God. Could it be that the EMDR therapy is working (thank you, UST Trauma Center of old), or maybe it's the result of my blue pea flower tea therapy (thanks to Verna)?
This seems to have started when I got fixated with Billy Ocean's "Suddenly." One line that particularly struck me is "Life has new meaning to me."
Other signs: I am warming up to new old discoveries: Stevie Wonder's "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" and "Ribbon in the Sky." I've heard these songs before as covers, but never in their original versions, and I find the originals unparalleled.
Going back to Stevie Wonder reminds me of my years as a young boy. I faintly remember a light song with the title, "Last Time I Saw Him," and I discovered that it was sung by Diana Ross. Then I remembered someone like Stacey Lattisaw, and I rediscovered a couple of her songs, too.
One remarkable thing about this is there were no tears shed around this time.
Last Friday, it was a terrible day for me, as someone I have helped immensely suspected me of doing something false. Of course I was hypertensive from anger, not to mention panicky. I found solace in a young coworker who I know was a Psych major. I tried her counseling skills and I was quite impressed. She was such a consolation after the ordeal while at work. Apart from this episode, the rest of the week was quite ok, so I am thankful.
I am also especially thankful today because a secret wish -- that only God knows -- was granted. I was pining for the taste of swordfish for the longest time, and I think it's been years since the last, and I've mentioned this to my mother the day before, I think. Lo and behold, a mobile vendor sold us a pair of swordfish! I couldn't wait cooking it the way I've always wanted: fried then as sarciado or cooked in lots of garlic, onion, and tomato. They say that if it's a total surprise, it's a genuine blessing from above, compared to manufactured or staged blessings for oneself. I'd like to believe that is true. Because in case of the swordfish, what are the odds that it would present themselves right to me on the very next day it was wished for, right?
Found prayers
From St. Thomas Aquinas:
O merciful God, grant that I may desire ardently, search prudently, recognize truly, and
bring to perfect completion whatever is pleasing to You for the praise and glory of Your
name.
Put my life in order, O my God.
Grant that I may know what You require me to do.
Bestow upon me the power to accomplish Your will, as is necessary and fitting for the
salvation of my soul.
Grant to me, O Lord my God, that I may not falter in times of prosperity or adversity, so
that I may not be exalted in the former, nor dejected in the latter.
May I not rejoice in anything unless it leads me to You; may I not be saddened by
anything unless it turns me from You.
May I desire to please no one, nor fear to displease anyone, but You.
May all transitory things, O Lord, be worthless to me and may all things eternal be ever
cherished by me.
May any joy without You be burdensome for me and may I not desire anything else
besides You.
May all work, O Lord, delight me when done for Your sake and may all repose not
centered in You be ever wearisome for me.
Grant unto me, my God, that I may direct my heart to You and that in my failures I may
ever feel remorse for my sins and never lose the resolve to change.
O Lord my God, make me submissive without protest, poor without discouragement,
chaste without regret, patient without complaint, humble without posturing, cheerful
without frivolity, mature without gloom, and quick-witted without flippancy.
O Lord my God, let me fear You without losing hope, be truthful without guile, do good
works without presumption, rebuke my neighbor without haughtiness, and—without
hypocrisy—strengthen him by word and example.
***
Give to me, O Lord God, a watchful heart, which no capricious thought can lure away
from You.
Give to me a noble heart, which no unworthy desire can debase.
Give to me a resolute heart, which no evil intention can divert.
Give to me a stalwart heart, which no tribulation can overcome.
Give to me a temperate heart, which no violent passion can enslave.
Give to me, O Lord my God, understanding of You, diligence in seeking You, wisdom in
finding You, discourse ever pleasing to You, perseverance in waiting for You, and
confidence in finally embracing You.
Grant that with Your hardships I may be burdened in reparation here, that Your benefits I may use in gratitude upon the way, that in Your joys I may delight by glorifying You in
the Kingdom of Heaven.
You Who live and reign, God, world without end. Amen.
Monday, July 13, 2020
Provide for your people, Lord
My mind is filled with prayerful ideas for the unemployed, especially the suddenly unemployed and those who seem to have no other recourse to a livelihood. Chinkee Tan, in a YouTube video, lists down the top 10 businesses in this time of pandemic.
technology
remote services, like doctor, editing, writing services
entertainment
online gaming
video conferencing
delivery services
food
grocery
cleaning materials
medical supplies
May people find in this crisis a wealth of opportunities.
EMDR Chronicles: My happy place
What makes me feel relaxed?
hammock time
butterfly hug
butterflies
dragonflies and damselflies
bilateral stimulation
EMDR therapy
birdwatching - except when there's new bird discovery no matter how drab-looking that bird is
writing, journaling
listening to love songs
singing
morning sunshine
breezy hut on a lakeshore
little sailing boat on a lakeshore
gentle rain
Solitaire, Free Cell
little drama movies and comedies without tragic themes
warm bath
me time: self-care, grooming
body massage, cranial massage
sleep
noonday reverie
afternoon coffee with cookies, bread, sweets
cooking, cooking preparation
house chores: cleaning, washing dishes, etc.
cloudy sky
cleanliness
orderliness
silence
being away from crowds
conversations on interesting minutiae, big ideas, history
prayer time, Bible reflections
It goes without saying that the opposite of these can easily stress me out.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
EMDR Chronicles: Why, God, why?
A high school classmate's sudden death due to heart attack appeared to be a major keystone trauma for me. This thought triggered me to think of the sudden death of people in the news like the Philippine Science high School kid Oliver Ang, the death of my friend Rolan when he drowned in an undertow, Malou due to aneurysm, and so on.
It seems I have been deeply hurt, and angered, at the thought of the sudden demise of people at their youth, at their most productive age. For the longest time, I couldn't square it with a loving God.
I mourned, and silently screamed, over that thought for quite awhile inside the restroom so no one at home would notice.
Why, God, why?
I ended with that sense of vagueness at the moment: not knowing the answer to my question, which is supposed to be "just okay," if I may quote people talking about "toxic positivity," a new field that is very interesting to me because it is laden with important truths.
What is important at this point is the expression and resolution of trauma.
I regret not having watched Pepe Diokno's film Above the Clouds in its entirely -- only snippets on TV since my father was the one holding the remote -- because it is about exactly that: expression and resolution of trauma, which means healing for the traumatized or people suffering from PTSD. Hope to find it online.
Tuesday, July 07, 2020
Forgot to thank
I think I forgot to thank God that finally the balikbayan box my cousins in California sent us for Christmas finally reached us home after months in transit -- or being held at bay -- due to the lockdown. Finally after suffering months of deprivation, we were able to dip our hands into such treats as Vienna sausage, chocolates of every kind, walnuts, cranberry preserves, almost whole almonds, canned white chicken meat, assorted canned beans (black, pinto, garbanzo -- want to do? what to do?), granola energy bar, Folger's coffee (which doesn't make me nervous that much, unlike this brand that 's my favorite because of its unique aroma)...
KC had lots of new hand me downs that looked and smelled new. Jillian was in a fit upon seeing her new toys: a really nice and cut toy bus plus Barbie dolls.
Thank you Lord for generous and kind-hearted kin abroad.
EMDR Chronicles: Old new trauma revealed
Today, I cried for no reason. But I think it's because JV reminded me, through a seeming random remark, that being a survivor of the July 1990 Baguio earthquake could be a keystone trauma, the source of my panic attacks. I am not sure what to say. All I know is that I seemed courageous at the time. I even walked the length of Session Road and up to its north end and then walked to see the Hyatt Terraces Hotel far afield lying on its side. I saw with my own eyes how the first floors of most buildings built after the American period crushed under the weight of the entire structures.
I remember some psychology? students from Manila taking a video of me relating how I felt about it. I remember saying I realized that things in life are not permanent, that tall buildings could suddenly topple one day, and so on.
I guess this espoused subconsciously the belief in me that the world in general is not safe and that my life could be taken away from me anytime with a major disaster of every kind. This may be the reason why I became religious, which is bad because it is out of fear and not out of true love of God.
Back to work desk, thank God!
Time flies really fast. Just like that, I am back at my desk at work even though the pandemic is still raging in different parts of the country and the world. It's like the long months from March to June have not felt like eternities.
My first two attempts were quite hellish. Waves of palpitations came one after another that going back for the first time -- both in my old desk and in the new office at the Annex Bldg. was an entire production number. I had JV fetch me at home, accidentally using the family SUV (Mitsubishi Granvia van) because he had to rush his mother to the ER earlier -- imagine the additional anxiety this generated, plus I also heard that Ma'am Letty was also having hypertension of late that JV had to rush her to her doctor in Malasiqui one night. Then I called Ace to accompany me the whole day in case I fainted or something.
Before sleeping the night before, I took Valium (5 mg) because I had cold feet during the day, a bad sign. And before taking my ride, I took another pill.
At breakfast, I made sure not to have regular coffee, only decaf, and certainly no sugar, as I have proven time and again that these two are consistent culprits to make my nervousness a lot worse than it already is.
Upon making it to the two flights of stairs to our office, I had to set up my laptop so the self-administered EMDR therapy on YouTube was on, and I used it each time a wave of nasty palps came in.
I also had a can of pineapple juice or an orange with me, in case I had my usual hypertension spell -- dizziness, slight tension in my nape, the devil's works.
I was not always sure where the nervousness was coming from. Maybe from fear of catching the dreaded disease still? It's possible that, after all these months, I still had not gotten used to it.
The second night, I also took Valium at dawn to assure sleep up to 5 am at least.
At the end of the day in my first three days, I was spent, exhausted. I had to rush to bed at a ridiculously early time of 7 pm or even 6:30 pm.
But a miracle happened on Wednesday night and the whole of Thursday. I was able to sleep without taking Valium and to work again without the drug. The fourth day was also quite miraculous, as though I was finally rewarded for persevering. If there were palpitations, they were minimal. Back at home, at the end of the day, I wasn't as exhausted anymore, though I am not sure why.
There were bright moments, too, in the little stuff, thank God, after a long period of deprivation: Glennel's Cheesebar and bugnay wine, both from Baguio, which I bought from Janela. (If I could wish further, I'd wish for fresh big strawberries, and blueberries, and raspberries, cranberries, blackberries...) A taste of crimson dragonfruits, after a very long time. Ube halaya, also from Baguio. I take these as big little rewards.
But the biggest thing about this is that I was able to wear my office uniform again after about four months and was able to mingle once again with my colleagues.
Sunday, July 05, 2020
EMDR Chronicles: New trauma set connected - Experiences of crime
These memories came up one after another after several self-administered EMDR sessions.
A thief in the night inside our house in Poblacion, Bayambang
Witness to a snatching incident along Session Rd., Baguio
Other snatching incidents: Pasong Tamo, Makati and secondhand stories
Wallet pickpocketed inside a jeep in Pasong Tamo, Makati
Cell phone pocketed inside a bus in Kamias Rd., QC
Witnessing the arrest of thieves at LRT Pasay Rotunda
Victim of Ipit Gang while taking a taxi at Paray Rotunda in the middle of a rain and a power blackout
Stranger walking on my rooftop in the dead of the night in Kalayaan Village, Pasay City
-- Fear of petty crimes in big cities or in crowds
EMDR Chronicles: Difficulty breathing
I realized one thing I dread the most is to experience difficulty breathing during a panic attack and during anything.
Tracing things to the so-called keystone trauma, I remember my first experience of this horrible thing was when I took an expired drug for chickenpox which I got for free. I think I had arrythmia in that my heart was racing. I knew it was an abnormal heartbeat to have because I was catching my breath.
Webinar: First step to healing
Was it last month when I joined a webinar conducted by Dr. Maria Lourdes Llaneza-Ramos, thanks to a client's referral. This is my first webinar outside of work, which the PCOO conducted. I found it less stressful but I got tired after less than two hours, and I couldn't figure out why.
I heard here something I had encountered before in the Landmark Forum: The meaning of life is to give meaning to life (to the life we are gifted with).
Dr. Ramos discussed the so-called lotus effect, and I think it is beautiful. It refers to the ability to come out of the muddy gunk beautiful and unstained by all that dirt and darkness -- yes, like the lotus flower.
When it was time for Q&A, I consulted with Dr. Ramos my debilitating fear of going back to my desk at work, apparently due to the fear of catching the dreaded virus and all its horrendous consequences.
Her advice?
1. Recognize that you are afraid. Listen to your fears. What are they telling you?
2. Find a sense of purpose in your work.
Her advice helped me in taking the first steps toward healing. So I am afraid. What am I afraid of?
Those questions are quite easy to answer, for someone struggling with panic attacks.
The more crucial question is 'why?' Why am I so afraid to the point of being abnormally dreadful?
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