PARADOXICAL

Tuesday, July 07, 2020

Back to work desk, thank God!

Time flies really fast. Just like that, I am back at my desk at work even though the pandemic is still raging in different parts of the country and the world. It's like the long months from March to June have not felt like eternities.

My first two attempts were quite hellish. Waves of palpitations came one after another that going back for the first time -- both in my old desk and in the new office at the Annex Bldg. was an entire production number. I had JV fetch me at home, accidentally using the family SUV (Mitsubishi Granvia van) because he had to rush his mother to the ER earlier -- imagine the additional anxiety this generated, plus I also heard that Ma'am Letty was also having hypertension of late that JV had to rush her to her doctor in Malasiqui one night. Then I called Ace to accompany me the whole day in case I fainted or something.

Before sleeping the night before, I took Valium (5 mg) because I had cold feet during the day, a bad sign. And before taking my ride, I took another pill. 

At breakfast, I made sure not to have regular coffee, only decaf, and certainly no sugar, as I have proven time and again that these two are consistent culprits to make my nervousness a lot worse than it already is.

Upon making it to the two flights of stairs to our office, I had to set up my laptop so the self-administered EMDR therapy on YouTube was on, and I used it each time a wave of nasty palps came in.

I also had a can of pineapple juice or an orange with me, in case I had my usual hypertension spell -- dizziness, slight tension in my nape, the devil's works.

I was not always sure where the nervousness was coming from. Maybe from fear of catching the dreaded disease still? It's possible that, after all these months, I still had not gotten used to it.

The second night, I also took Valium at dawn to assure sleep up to 5 am at least.

At the end of the day in my first three days, I was spent, exhausted. I had to rush to bed at a ridiculously early time of 7 pm or even 6:30 pm. 

But a miracle happened on Wednesday night and the whole of Thursday. I was able to sleep without taking Valium and to work again without the drug. The fourth day was also quite miraculous, as though I was finally rewarded for persevering. If there were palpitations, they were minimal. Back at home, at the end of the day, I wasn't as exhausted anymore, though I am not sure why. 

There were bright moments, too, in the little stuff, thank God, after a long period of deprivation: Glennel's Cheesebar and bugnay wine, both from Baguio, which I bought from Janela. (If I could wish further, I'd wish for fresh big strawberries, and blueberries, and raspberries, cranberries, blackberries...) A taste of crimson dragonfruits, after a very long time. Ube halaya, also from Baguio. I take these as big little rewards.

But the biggest thing about this is that I was able to wear my office uniform again after about four months and was able to mingle once again with my colleagues.

posted by Resty Odon  # 3:15 AM

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