PARADOXICAL

"What You Laugh at Reveals Your Character"

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in life is to never poke fun at the personal weaknesses, misfortune, and private foibles of people, most especially the sick, the weak, the disabled, the elderly, the silently suffering -- with few exceptions depending on the context.

As an insensitive youth many years ago, I had been guilty of all of the above in my wish to be funny.

I learned my lesson the hard way.

As a college student and boarder in Baguio, I tried to poke fun at one of the house help to make him feel at ease with me. Apparently, I rubbed him the wrong way because instead of laughing, he got offended when I was only trying to make a joke at his expense.

Again in college, I was at the beach with my classmates when a male classmate saw a very old man in his white undies about to take a dip in the water and said, "Ha-ha, kulubot na!" (Ha-ha, he's wrinkly!). I found the remark hilarious because true, what with all his old man bits sagging, until I felt guilty at laughing along with the rest -- perhaps realizing at the back of my mind that we were all staring "at the future version of ourselves," as someone put it.

Sometimes, my frank nature, which I must have inherited from my Pangasinense father and grandmother, get the better of me whenever I make cutting remarks that have the capacity to offend deeply, and needlessly, not just one person but an entire family.

I figure not everyone has the same sense of humor as I. And we never know what chord we'd strike with the 'right' most hurting word, no matter what our intentions are.

At yet another instance, because I strongly disliked this old politician who struck me as lazy and dumb who waddled into rooms like a penguin, I wrote something about his weak knees as a pun on his famed weaknesses, but the next morning I found my own knees aching for no reason even when I had perfectly healthy knees. So I took the "instant karma" as a strong sign of disapproval from the universe even if I technically didn't believe in the Hindu concept.

Add to this the Bible study talks on "Speech and Wrongdoing" that I've attended that advise everyone to have nothing but good words and not to say a word if you have nothing good to say, with Biblical passages as supporting material. With seminars like that, naturally you end up with one thoroughly guilt-ridden conscience even if you happen to love humor, comic strips, comedy bars, and sitcoms. Yet I have proven that comedy is possible without being mean for meanness' sake.

Since then, TV shows that strongly used political incorrectness as among the tricks up their sleeve in order to elicit laughs did not appeal to me because they made me feel guilty. For this reason, slapstick comedy may be funny on some level, but guilt-inducing at the same time.

I remember writing a lengthy essay, once upon a time, to rebut a young man after noticing a relentless pattern of behavior in his writing on a major newspaper where he was a columnist. He routinely laughed at, lambasted, and lampooned people just because they were older than he was. I didn't know then that there was a term for such a red flag: ageist, ageism.

This is not about extreme 'wokeness,' or a tendency to get easily and overly offended at the slightest commentary even when valid and called for, even if warranted. This is a matter of basic courtesy and a conscious choice to be kind and to do good.

My instinct now says it's wrong to laugh at PWDs, the elderly, frailty, the mentally ill, depressed people wallowing in their un-nameable sorrow, the alone and lonely... Laughing at their status or perceived misfortune is somehow a kind of judgment. What if they were not "being punished" or "paying for their misdeeds" just as we have wrongly judged? What if they are on a journey to becoming saints or some other mysterious reasons?

For another instance, just as we shouldn't be dismissive of the powers of youth, we shouldn't be dismissive of old age either. I can easily name a dozen people who have achieved much, like transform entire towns, even in their advanced age.

As they say, laughing at the weak and others' weaknesses reveals who we are.

There are a few exceptions to this, I would warrant:

First is when you make fun of yourself.

I guess poking fun at one's foibles is also equally acceptable, even expected, among intimates -- between and among family members and close friends -- but within the confines of a safe private space, not in the public square. It is a form of acceptance of an inescapable reality: one's humanity.

Jabs among intimates are considered okay if the people involved know the person well and issued within a limited space involving a minimum number of people. This is a sign of comfortable familiarity with each other. Each one knows the person well enough to know whether the person can take the hit without going berserk or not.

Being self-deprecating means you do not take yourself too seriously. After all, you are just as fallible as the next guy. Taking a jab at one's age means being comfortable with yourself, being at home in your own skin, warts and all. That does not mean devaluing your state of life or your contribution.

Nevertheless, even in this context, I'd rather not delve into negative humor for fear of "breaking a bruised reed or extinguish a smoldering wick." I'd rather dwell on uplifting people for their positive traits, even if it is easily mistaken for bootlicking, patronizing, or some such intent.

What is out-and-out bad and should be discouraged is self-deprecation for its own sake. Abasing oneself should come from a place of strength, out of the necessity of knowing your place in the whole scheme of things. Self-deprecation out of low self-esteem is a kind of debasement. It is not heathy -- it is a defeatist attitude -- and should not be encouraged.

Second is if poking fun at personal weaknesses and foibles is part of a work of fiction or art that drives at an important truth or higher purpose, like when you are dealing with public 'sins' or social follies which are of great public concern. In this context, I would probably excuse the humor of Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Dave Barry, Evelyn Waugh, Kurt Vonnegut, David Sedaris, Erma Bombeck, Helen Fielding, Maureen Dowd, P.J. O'Rourke, and at home, Jessica Zafra, Simeon Dumdum, et al. After all, even God mocked the devil. (My favorite is Garrison Keillor (of "Lake Wobegon Days," etc.), of whom I am suddenly reminded that I had found a signed used book of his at a Booksale shop one time, but I couldn't find my copy right now.)

I still vividly remember how a fatwa was issued by an Islamist cleric against Salman Rushdie after the British-American-Indian writer published the novel "The Satanic Verses," and how a newspaper cartoon in Denmark poking fun at Muhammad ended up being a global subject of the same decree to kill in cold blood.

I would hate a world wherein what is funny and what is not would have to be legislated. If we can't easily tell the difference, what does that say about us?

In Pangasinan, the traditional culture is unforgiving when it comes to this. With Pangasinenses being a happy, lighthearted people, there is a tradition of giving certain folk "pangaran" -- pejorative aliases or alternate names born of one's own weakness or shame in a way that sticks with the person for life. For example: an amputee would likely be called "Ariel ya Pukol" (Ariel, the amputee) or a cripple "Juan ya Sikwel" (si Juan na pilantod). Someone who was obviously mentally ill and who must have stolen a chicken once upon a time was once christened "XXX Matakew na Manok" (XXX the chicken thief), to everyone's entertainment.

Pangasinenses are not just frank, they are also mapangaran and mababalaw (mapanglait and pintasero), as can be gleaned from their choice words to criticize, which is myriad. It is, therefore, a saintly challenge for the onion-skinned to not get hurt and to be kind in this brash, straight-talking culture. Congratulations to you if you survive here with your self-confidence intact.

The prevailing mood here is, if you are the subject of one's joke, you have to make an equally hilarious riposte. Or else, you have to take it on the chin and wait for unkind people's comeuppance or for God to be the one to avenge you.

I am worried for people who are careless with their mouth. That's because I've been there. Because from experience, words are not just words, and the people you once dismissed with a laugh always have the last laugh -- guaranteed.

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posted by Resty Odon  # 2:02 PM