PARADOXICAL

The faith chronicles

Friday, November 18, 2011

 

Inconstant man, everlasting God

Man is truly irrational. What’s worse, his mind is dependent on his feelings. It is, therefore, not surprising to see men saying one thing and doing another.

In that regard, I am still a normal human being then. I just came from a worship session, when I felt down for some mysterious reason. Why this? I asked myself, though I was not surprised at all. I’ve been through this a hundred times before. Yet the inconstancy still bothers me. Something after the feeling of high must have triggered me again. I knew I’d be gripped by self-analysis and possibly “analysis paralysis” any moment.

I’ll let the trigger of my sorrow a mystery for now, but there is another mystery to be resolved here: where did that irrational joy during worship come from? I myself was surprised. Considering the many things I had been going through that I could exploit as a reason to be depressed, I still managed to give my all in praising and worshiping God in song. There’s a psalm that says, “Worship the Lord in Spirit and truth.” It sounds abstract to the outsider, but to me, I understood what it means. It means worshiping God with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength – who cares who I am, who I have been, and what my troubles are?

I think this is where that mysterious mirth is coming from then: it didn’t come from me, for where in the depths of my corruption would I have the wherewithal to give my everything like that? It could only come from outside myself, outside my own effort, power, energy. It was a gift granted to me. It as pure grace! What made it fall from heaven and come down into my lap is my faith, my belief that it would be given me despite myself, my trust that God’s goodness and love know no bounds, and my sins and feelings of unworthiness won’t be a stumbling block for the outpouring. All I had to do is choose to believe and act according to that choice.

I was supposed to be energized by that soon after, and I was, but still, it didn’t prevent me from entering darkness and feeling down once again. As long as I am alive, I will probably be seized by dark thoughts and feelings. But who cares if I can ask for the gift again and again? That thought is enough to make me want to bounce back again and again too, and by God, I will.
Life will always be a roller-coaster for me -- there’s no telling what mood I would be in hereon in -- but I can always rely on God to be the one constant, no matter how I think and feel at the moment.

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