PARADOXICAL

What I'm getting so far from this retreat is this: Deep conversion means deep prayer means docility to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, and the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.

But first, am I in touch at all with the Holy Spirit, with all the persons of the Holy Trinity? In all honesty, the answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no, and the 'no' times is what is giving me trouble times. When I am not connected, or disconnected, through sin whether serious and venial, neglect, laziness, or loss of warmth for whatever reason, my spiritual life goes in limbo.

But I know I don't purposely disconnect myself from God. I am talking more about seeming disconnection, in the sense that I couldn't feel God the way I used to, particularly in the early days of my charismatic life. During that time, I experienced a lot of spiritual 'sensations' that I never had before:

- inspiring/rebuking words leaping out of the Bible's pages
- 'hearing' God 'talk' to me in prayer time
- hearing the word of God through his chosen servants in community, accompanied by feelings of being touched deeply
- being deeply struck by the priest's words during Mass
- receiving answers I've been waiting for directly from God, through an inspiring thought
- perceiving God's wisdom and message through nature and events as metaphors

Maybe, the real problem is that I got addicted to these charismatic gifts, and in my greedy/hungry nature, I expected them never to wane and be less frequent.

Maybe I am now in a new phase in my spiritual life, being tested through spiritual dryness. It's as though God is asking me, Will I still love/believe/follow Him even without all of the above consolations that I got used to? How much will I endure hardship and suffering for His purposes? Will I be faithful even without earthly rewards, even through suffering and tribulation?

May this period of testing soon pass then. "This, too, shall pass." Most importantly, may I pass this test with flying colors. I'm not new to this test, and I believe I have failed in it each time. Maybe that's why the test keeps on repeating.

It's hard to be a saint indeed, but as Fr. DuBay keeps on emphasizing, not impossible, so no excuses.