PARADOXICAL

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Tuesday, March 05, 2013

 

Lenten retreat reflection: Day 22 - Illuminism


Today, Fr. DuBay defines a term that is new to me:

Illuminism: "I have a special light from the Holy Spirit; you do not. Therefore, I am right and you are wrong."

Now, you're talkin', Fr. DuBay! You gave me a word against which to 'judge' myself whether I am on the right track or not.

Trying to look good and wanting to be right in order to look good is a weakness of almost everybody, I am told. I am guilty of this, and nothing made me aware of this more intensely than the Landmark Forum, some kind of seminar I attended together with several of my closest friends.

Even having gained that knowledge doesn't immunize me from my sick tendency, and so I need to be always vigilant, constantly monitoring myself whether I am trying to look good and to be right once again. This is very helpful to me especially in my 'sidelines': prolife cause, apologetics, and evangelization.

Am I trying to position myself to a place of rightness, or do I create a space so that objecting voice can feel free to be heard? Do I wall them off on the get-go? Do I come from a triumphalist stance at the outset?

Am I doing all these because I got hurt in the past, and now I am trying to heal my wound, to repair the past? Or am I doing it out of genuine concern for other people, especially future generations, and out of genuine zeal for God?


Am I assuaging some guilt from the past? (Why can't I forgive myself?)

Do I act like I have the monopoly of truth? How do I deliver the truth I know and believe in? Am I out to shame or embarass the other party? Am I really concerned about other people's salvation, or am I out to score some brownie points for myself?

Am I after popular acclaim? earthly fame? hungry for approval from a certain group?  Am I courting people's sympathy to gain a sense of belonging?

Am I after honor and glory? Am I desperate to make a mark, preoccupied with leaving my stamp on earth more than or instead of working on my eternal destiny?

Am I out to prove something? Am I out to prove that I know something that everyone else doesn't? Do I have an 'unmet need' to feel special, superior, more learned, one step ahead of everybody?


In the end, the question to be asked is, Do I really love the Lord, or do I love myself more than I do the Lord? If I really love myself, then why is that love excessive, unhealthy? If I really love myself, shouldn't I love what the Lord wants for me, what God wills for me? Why do I fall short of loving myself right, so as to love others and God right? Is it because I hate parts of myself in secret?

I wish to know the answer in the next few days.

Comments:
I'm back, and kinda lost now as to where I should post this :) -- I think I'm on page 76. Where are you? :D

http://www.andthesethygifts.com/2013/03/06/from-selfishness-to-simon-of-cyrene-deep-conversion-deep-prayer/

interested in your take on the Landmark Forum. dito kasi the Landmark forum afaik was put together by atheists/agnostics or something like that -- so when we got an invite from an agnostic friend we turned it down.

i am guilty of this "triumphalist stance" which you speak of -- many times :) especially when the person i'm talking to doesn't seem to know much about the subject. it's easy to present myself as the expert, even when i'm not :D

i think to the extent that we hate the parts of ourselves that are selfish and lying and sinful... okey lang... but to hate ourselves for things that can't be helped or that we don't choose freely to be there (the way selfishness is a choice), maybe that's where we need to draw the line. :)

 
i can't say which page eh.

as to LF, it's the same thing here. it's totally nonreligious/secular. ironically, it was brought here by a priest. Fr. Banaga of Adamson University. Of course, the priests here Christianized it to kingdom come hahahah.

re. self-hate, thanks for pointing out that distinction stef. it's easy to miss it. self-hate can be unhealthy, which indicates selfish pride din
 
More questions cropped up as I woke up this morning. Inserting the following somewhere in this post:

Do I act like I have the monopoly of truth? How do I deliver the truth I know and believe in? Am I out to shame or embarass the other party? Am I really concerned about other people's salvation, or am I out to score some brownie points for myself?

Am I after popular acclaim? earthly fame? hungry for approval from a certain group? Am I courting people's sympathy to gain a sense of belonging?

Am I after honor and glory? Am I desperate to make a mark, preoccupied with leaving my stamp on earth more than or instead of working on my eternal destiny?

Am I out to prove something? Am I out to prove that I know something that everyone else doesn't? Do I have an 'unmet need' to feel special, superior, more learned, one step ahead of everybody?
 
wow, ang daming tanong. puedeng another retreat na 'yan ah!! :D
 
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