PARADOXICAL

Today, Fr. DuBay defines a term that is new to me:

Illuminism: "I have a special light from the Holy Spirit; you do not. Therefore, I am right and you are wrong."

Now, you're talkin', Fr. DuBay! You gave me a word against which to 'judge' myself whether I am on the right track or not.

Trying to look good and wanting to be right in order to look good is a weakness of almost everybody, I am told. I am guilty of this, and nothing made me aware of this more intensely than the Landmark Forum, some kind of seminar I attended together with several of my closest friends.

Even having gained that knowledge doesn't immunize me from my sick tendency, and so I need to be always vigilant, constantly monitoring myself whether I am trying to look good and to be right once again. This is very helpful to me especially in my 'sidelines': prolife cause, apologetics, and evangelization.

Am I trying to position myself to a place of rightness, or do I create a space so that objecting voice can feel free to be heard? Do I wall them off on the get-go? Do I come from a triumphalist stance at the outset?

Am I doing all these because I got hurt in the past, and now I am trying to heal my wound, to repair the past? Or am I doing it out of genuine concern for other people, especially future generations, and out of genuine zeal for God?


Am I assuaging some guilt from the past? (Why can't I forgive myself?)

Do I act like I have the monopoly of truth? How do I deliver the truth I know and believe in? Am I out to shame or embarass the other party? Am I really concerned about other people's salvation, or am I out to score some brownie points for myself?

Am I after popular acclaim? earthly fame? hungry for approval from a certain group?  Am I courting people's sympathy to gain a sense of belonging?

Am I after honor and glory? Am I desperate to make a mark, preoccupied with leaving my stamp on earth more than or instead of working on my eternal destiny?

Am I out to prove something? Am I out to prove that I know something that everyone else doesn't? Do I have an 'unmet need' to feel special, superior, more learned, one step ahead of everybody?


In the end, the question to be asked is, Do I really love the Lord, or do I love myself more than I do the Lord? If I really love myself, then why is that love excessive, unhealthy? If I really love myself, shouldn't I love what the Lord wants for me, what God wills for me? Why do I fall short of loving myself right, so as to love others and God right? Is it because I hate parts of myself in secret?

I wish to know the answer in the next few days.