PARADOXICAL

Fr. DuBay now talks about unity in Christian community as a sign that its members have gone through deep conversion. Well? Out retreat master has no idea what memories and emotions he is able to plumb deep within me, with the mere mention of the words 'unity' and 'community.'

The history of my current community is one that sprung out of division. I was new to community then, so it was a total shock to witness my community splitting over some major misunderstanding. I had to take sides, and found myself on the other side of the debate. None of my closest friends then was on the side I took. It was a major trial in my spiritual life.

But looking back, I knew quite easily which to choose. Probably, I was in agony because I knew that my choice would entail losing a lot of friends. I had no problems with divisions, really. I found comfort in the words of Chesterton then, which came to me as a quote, and it says, "Division is better than agreement in evil." If unity means agreement in evil, then I'm out of it; I'd rather endure enmity than face the prospect of false peace, especially peace within me, something which I am willing to lose everything just to have.

The division, needless to say, was very ugly. It's nothing less like seeing the devil descend on a Christian community. If an outsider came to see us, he probably wouldn't see Christ. I saw how community teachings, especially the Lord's teachings on speech and wrongdoing, grossly violated in the form of lies, false witness/misinterpretations/misrepresentations, and not hearing out the other party first-hand before making judgment or choosing sides. Things escalated almost to violent proportions, almost to a shameful court case. Had we gone to that extent, I am not sure whether my Catholic faith would survive intact and unscathed. But looking back, it shouldn't be surprising at all: the area of speech is the easiest path to sin.

They always say that we should forget the past and focus on the present. I often say that too, because I believe it; I know its value by heart, by how it allows one to live life to the fullest. I've seen the difference first-hand, as when I see my brothers and sisters in the past from time to time and can't help but look at them through the filter of a dark past we all shared. I've seen how focusing on who and where we are the moment allows us to start all over again. After all, I've realized that that's not how God looks at me either: He doesn't look at me through the filter of my own dark past, my own past sins.

But first, I figure that we must ask forgiveness for the sins of the past, with a promise to make amends, in case we are the offender, the cause of conflict and disunity. We do this for our own peace of mind, if not for the other party's sake; for all we know, the other party has long moved on. On the other hand, if we are the aggrieved party, we must first offer unconditional forgiveness as well, whether or not an apology was offered. Likewise, we do this for our own sake, to release us from the prison, the burden, of aggrieved feelings, if not for the other's sake, from the burden of debt.

We can forget the past, but we can't afford to forget the lessons of the past. (We must remember these lessons, so the past is not repeated, especially by our future children.) [However, if we must not forget the lessons, then we must not forget the past. Confusing!]

I am not writing this to paint myself as a hero, though great the temptation may be, owing to my sense of vanity and triumphalist nature. I confess that I too was caught up in the middle of misdeeds and mudslinging. I couldn't help but participate in the whispers and wayward talks, in my effort to dig up 'the truth' from both sides, so in the process, I made inevitable judgments. I sinned when I got hurt for what a person said or did without him knowing and, as a result, had spoken negative things behind his back (instead of telling him direct), and thus had harbored ill will for him in my heart. I am writing this to remind myself that the unity I am now enjoying in my present community is precious and golden, for it is a unity won hard by going through the wringer of a dark, emotional spiritual battle, a sudden enmity between people who used to embrace themselves as brothers, sisters, friends.

I think I should now begin to study, to marvel, at how deeply converted these people are around me, despite their major differences with the way they view issues in Christian community. How has everyone managed to bring about and preserve that unity through the years? I am so impressed, that I can't help but exclaim that the Holy Spirit must be working in our midst.

Have I contributed to that unity? How so? Was I more of a critical or divisive spirit? I hope to God not. Far be it from me to be the nemesis of unity in Christian community.