PARADOXICAL

I learned another interesting term, and of course, it shall be used both in the title and in the text: prolixity, meaning taking up too much time in the confessional, or something like that.

I'm mindful of others' time down the queue, so I am not guilty of this particular offense. But I am guilty of other faults at the confessional.

The major one is probably confessing out of my morbid fear of God's power to put me to hell instead of out of my profound love of the Lord. Instead of desiring to assuage God's hurt and make it up to Him, I am more fearful of His punishment, which I anticipate like clockwork. I have learned that this is wrong and that I have been projecting my toxic guilt on God, my wrongful notions of His kind of love and sense of justice, as I have absorbed from home and outside of it.

It's good to be reminded that I should approach confession with the right heart: to declare my resolve to love God, to affirm my confidence in God's forgiveness.

The other offenses are minor in comparison but troubling nonetheless, as they are effective blocks to attaining deep conversion. I confess monthly, and sometimes, I have this feeling that I am doing it mechanically, just to say that I am fulfilling my sort of vow. Fortunately, priests are good at detecting false piety and false or forced remorse. Another issue is the horror at confessing the same sin again to the same priest, for fear that the priest would berate me for having confessed the same last time. I know that's funny, but this paranoia clearly comes from sinful pride and lack of confidence in God's patience, plus of course the fear, again, of a punishing God coming down hard on me. These sins are self-inflicted, and only I will be able to address them.