PARADOXICAL

I never knew grief like this before.

I am reminded of these lines from Les Miserables: "There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on."  

I wish there's no such thing as death and dying, parents leaving you, grandparents leaving you, no one in the family leaving you.

***

I don’t know why. Am I too emotionally attached to her?

I had lived separate from her for around 25 years and often alone; it was a good preparation for her eventual leaving. And yet, when it actually happened…

***

I didn’t expect that my mother would leave us at age 74—and I didn’t expect that it would be sudden too—just two days after her hospitalization.

My grandmother, her mother, lived until 94 years, although the last few years of her life were marred by on-and-off dementia, or is that Alzheimer’s? Too often, she could be heard talking to herself.

My mother was so health-conscious. She avoided everything she believed was bad for her: too much of anything especially cholesterol, animal fat, salt, sugar… She had enough sun, physical activity, proper hydration. Maybe too much of them. She ate lots of vegetables, fruits, beans, lean meat, nuts, fish… she especially feared cholesterol—bad cholesterol from lard, beef, chicken – all the fatty delicious bits.

And yet…

It is so sad. Oh, my poor, poor mother.

I was hoping—even expecting—she’d survive till her ’80s or even ’90s.

I sometimes fantasized about her receiving her P100,000 cash grant from the government on her 100^th birthday.

***

Grieving-wise, I’ve been through the DABDA wringer, probably many times over. There was of course denial, anger, bargaining, depression, a bit of acceptance, but also frustration, regret…

Maybe we ignored the signs.

Maybe we should have moved heaven and earth for her to have an executive checkup—a battery of medical tests. But that would surely cost us an arm and a leg.

Maybe her frequent urination at night was a sign?

Maybe her sudden vision loss in one eye was enough sign, but we were too in denial?

Maybe her sudden dizziness one day was a sign?

Maybe even her frequent insomnia?

Should I feel guilty? Didn’t I ignore all of those, out of fear of the potential expenses?

***

But all of the above could be easily rationalized at the time.

For frequent urination at night, she must have eaten something high in sodium like tinapa and her body was just eliminating the excess.

Her sudden vision loss in one eye was diagnosed as cataract by the ophthalmologist. Why wasn’t it recognized as a red flag, an emergency situation?

Her latest blood test showed only a slight elevation of her uric acid.

As for insomnia, she always checked her phone in the dead of the night, disturbing her sleep.

When she got dizzy, I personally took her blood pressure, and it read normal: 120/80.

I didn’t get alarmed enough to suspect the worst. Besides, she had a long history of getting dizzy for all sorts of reasons.

***

Whatever ailed her, it was treasonous, treacherous, traitorous.

The suddenness of it all was a shock.

***

If I only knew it would be her last birthday in her last year of life, the year before 2026, I would have made the celebration grander than usual, complete with a glow-up, a dewart, special treats, and extra-special food.

No wonder her last few days were spent in one joyful and lively partying after another. At my cousin Gigi’s birthday. Another party with her colleagues at Personal Collection. Then another one at another  relative’s affair.

***

You know what they say about death, and it is so true. “Una-unahan lang yan.” At the entrance of cemeteries, there’s the annoying reminder: “Ako ngayon, ikaw bukas.”

These thoughts didn’t ease the pain one bit.

But writing things down, I guess, helped.

That novena prayer in this prayer booklet certainly helped.