PARADOXICAL

 What Would You Have Done If We Were You?

Day 1

At around 5:45 PM of May 19, 2026, my next-door neighbors were calling me frantically via FB Messenger, informing me that my 74-year-old mother collapsed while alone at home in our kitchen. 

Without thinking twice, she was immediately brought to the Bayambang District Hospital even before I arrived at home from my office at the Municipal Hall compound. I called my sister who lives nearby to accompany my mother instead of me due to my overly nervous condition, which might come with hypertension, so she rushed to BDH with her husband Carlo. The hospital said she had a stroke. Over a video call, I saw my mother struggling by lifting her one hand and her leg. 

BDH said she must be brought immediately to another hospital where there is an ICU. 

I told my immediate superior Paeng (Dr. Rafael L. Saygo) about my problem (I couldn't afford ICU confinement for my mother at a private tertiary hospital, especially in faraway Dagupan City). Without hesitation, he advised me to tell BDH to send my mother by ambulance to the nearest tertiary hospital, the Julius K. Quiambao Medical and Wellness Center.

By nightfall, she was at an ICU room at JKQ hospital, with all sorts of tubes connected to her. My sister said she was "man-iitaw" while drawling. She said she was thirsty and asked for cold water and Sprite while her eyes where closed shut. 

Day 2

On the second day, May 20, my mother was still alive. She even sang a favorite song, "One Moment in Time," and the nurse even remarked over it. "Uy si Nanay, kinakantahan pa ako."

The diagnosis was infarct vs bleed. A CT scan reportedly showed something blocked a blood vessel or something, preventing oxygen from reaching my mother's brain.

My brother Rommel soon joined my sister at the hospital. My mother reportedly talked to my brother too.

I asked for my niece to accompany me at home. I was getting dizzy by dinner. In bed, I could barely sleep. I had only 1 hour of sleep. 

Since I couldn't sleep, what I did was bring out my collection of estampitas (prayer cards) and prayed every prayer I could pray to God, the Virgin Mother, and every saint, begging God for healing, and if possible, a miracle.

I was dizzy and palpitating the whole time, but I forced myself to catch some daytime nap and I did, restoring a bit of energy. Still, I couldn't bring myself to the hospital to see my mother and be with my sister and brother. Besides, I thought, we shouldn't get tired and asleep all at the same time. Someone had to take care of other concerns in three shifts.

So I could sleep this time, I took cetirizine, and I succeeded in getting a decent sleep. "Why haven't I thought of it the first night?" I told my annoyed self.

Day 3 

On May 21, third day, my sister said the doctor told her to advise us to visit our mother while she still could hear all of us because she had limited time left. I wasn't sure what this meant, but it sure sounded alarming. My other sister, who is based in Novaliches, told everyone in your group chat to come home.

Soon, we learned from the doctor that we only had until tonight or early the next morning left to be able to talk to our mother.

So I could sleep this time, I took cetirizine again and I had at least  hours of sleep, I think.

Day 4

On the fourth day, May 22, my sister at the hospital was sending frantic messages. "The doctor is asking me to sign something: whether to intubate our mother or not." 

We got confused with their explanation. The first doctor said more than half of her brain had been damaged. She's practically brain dead. But another doctor, a neurosurgeon, said the brainstem itself was the one damaged, and she only had 8-5% chance of survival.

We didn't know what to do. I told Paeng the dilemma, since my family couldn't afford the bills. Paeng said to go ahead, don't worry, so we were forced to say yes, even though I felt uncomfortable. "If she's brain dead, does it mean she's dead? What should we do?"

I chatted with a doctor I know. She advised to "Let nature take its course." Intubation, even ICU confinement will no longer add value to her condition."

I felt bad that my siblings and I had to face such an extremely difficult dilemma. We didn't want to lose our mother. In fact, we expected to bring her home alive and fully recovered. But we also couldn't afford an ICU confinement either, and most especially an intubation at a time when we knew she was brain dead.

Before nighttime, we were informed that my mother was already "unresponsive," meaning she was already in deep coma.

Day 5

Since I was able to regain my energy on May 23, I mustered the courage to visit. At the ICU, I talked to my mother and voiced out my feelings to her as I clutched her hand for a longish moment hoping she'd respond. She didn't one bit. I suspected that the worst was over. I noticed her breathing looked mechanical. I asked the nurse whether she was still breathing, and she answered, "Hindi po, makina na lang po yan." Her heartbeat was down to around 50 too.

That's the time I felt that we made the wrong decision, but I was still unsure. 

One by one, my other brothers and sisters and their kids arrived from various places: Pasay; Novaliches; Sariaya, Quezon; Trece Martirez, Cavite; Liliw, Laguna. By this time, another decision had to made: whether to remove the intubation ourselves or not. We had to make the difficult choice.

As we watched our mother slowly stop breathing and her heart slowly stop registering a blip until flatlining, I was caught between fear, sadness, and this question of whether we ended up killing our mother with our choice to remove the tube that made her breath.

What would you have done if you were in our place?

posted by Resty Odon  # 12:47 AM